Explaining "Stranger Danger" to a preschooler

[shelbylovesmelby]

Hey I'm looking for advice on how to explain "Stranger Danger" to my 3.5 yr old. She's hugged 2 strangers in the past few months & I'm unsure of how to explain that you can't just go hugg'n anyone KWIM? w/o mom or dad saying ok.

thanks

[miclason]

Difficult...Ale was (is!) like that...so trusting...I told her that sometimes bad people lie and pretend to be good, and, she should always check with me before going with someone (she didn't hug strangers, but would go with anyone!)...I also told her it was not OK for people to hug her or touch her without asking Mommy first! ...it's difficult, and they don't quite get it, but, if you can get her to at least ASK you...

[PrincessPerky]

We are having that talk with DD now..DS ws so much easier, he was just shy...DD is 2.5, and soooo friendly.

course I have found that some people encourage kids to be overlyfriendly with strangers, I don't think every granny needs to be asking my kid for a hug!

Anyway talking right now is what we are doing, I told DD that some people are actually not nice, and might want to hurt or steal her, and she should practice now by not hugging strangers, she can smile or sometimes shake hands, but not hug. I gave her am example of her klutzy brother, he sometimes hurts her with out meaning it, and I said "you don't know if a stranger is klutzy or even trying to hurt you"

Giving her an alternative seems to help more than outright 'no interaction' specially since the grannies will insist on asking for hugs!

As an added measure I am less willing ot let go of her hand in public, sometimes I even hold her more just to keep her from walking up to anyone, DS on the other hand I will let him help put the trash in the garbage can or something, (I have to be able to see it of course) but I trust him not to make any side trips to talk to strangers on the way back.

[cschin4]

I think you can explain that they should never go anywhere with another person. Pre-schoolers have a limited ability to understand the difference between strangers and how to react to them. Obviously, the best course of action is to never let them out of your site. And, an adult intent on deceiving a preschooler could easily do so. It will take time for them to grasp this concept. As my children got older, I could teach them how to react if a stranger approached and so forth.
And, since my kids are a bit older, I had them watch the video of Carlie Bruscha where the man just walked up out of the blue and took her by the arm and walked away with her. That "creeped them out". I told them do not ever, ever get into a car with anyone and if they have to scream, fight, kick, bite, etc to get away then do so.

[zakity]

I used to have them watch Pinnochio and, when he was in the cage, I would stop the movie and tell them that that was they did to little boys when they stole them. I also told them that some people like to be mean to little kids (we told them that they liked to spank/beat little kids) and they would steal them so they could be mean to them.

One thing I do when I see little kids running off from parents is tell them that if they don't stay close to their parents, someone like me who doesn't have cute little girls/boys might want to take them home with them. I do this with the parents near, of course, so that the little kid can run back and hug their parent and look at me like I am a big meany.

[pyotr]

I'd just explain things like death and injury to your child. They need to get adjusted to reality have some understanding of the horrors out there. Imagine what some of those kids aged 2-8 must be thinking during the horrors of a pedophile kidnapping and homicide. They need to know that there are evil people out there and that fear is a reasonable response to some strangers.

I use fairytales like Hansel and Gretel as a springboard to discussing things like this with our 3 year-old.

[LittleGopher]

I think the most important thing with this is to realize that this will be an ongoing topic. Keep bringing it up every so often - children will understand more and more as they get older.

One approach for now is that you can ask your child to ask you if it's ok to talk to/hug/shake hands with/go with anyone. We tell parents in our early childhood program that anyone who talks to a child (especially in a nice way) isn't probably considered a 'stranger' to the child, because a 'stranger' is a mean person. But he/she usually understands asking for permission from mom or dad. (I don't mean that you should never talk of strangers, do, but keep in mind it will take a while for a young child to really understand what one is, and instilling the ability to handle stranger situations will stay with your child as she grows and understands more and more - keep on talking and talking to her...)

[Cap'n Rob]

Explaining only goes so far if the child is so young - I find a real world example is the best - get a friend to help - someone your child dosent know... and let them put a little fright into the youngin.

[markio26]

i told lexie examples from my life, of what i had encountered... and to yell fire, and fight, etc. she has to ask why to everything that goes on...

[miclason]

In that sense, I got unwilling aid from my Mom!...since she insisted on giving Ale candy all day long (4 or 5 pieces a day!) when she was 2, eventhough I had forbidden it (Ale wasn't eating any "real" food!), I decided since I couldn't get Mom to obey, I at least could get Ale to, so I once put Ale in the playpen for taking the candy and told her she should NEVER EVER take anything from ANYBODY, not even Grandma, without asking me first!...
I must have looked really scary when I said that, because, a couple of months later, I had to take her to my office and, a friend offered her candy...Ale said she couldn't unless Mommy said it was ok, and my friend told her she had already asked and I had said yes...Ale just looked at her, then looked at me and asked if that was true (It wasn't, but I did ok it after that!)...same thing with a lady that offered her some candy at a queue at the bank last year!

[DayByDay]

I once saw a segment on 20/20 or some similar show that had interviewed several different parents. The parents had all strongly assured the interviewer that they had taught their kids very well to avoid strangers and knew beyond a doubt that their kids would never fall for any tricks. So each kid was set up on a playground while the parents watched out of sight or at a distance, and a hidden camera was going. Time after time the kids ended up calmly walking away with the "stranger" that was set up to test them, shocking their parents.

Something to think about....

[PrincessPerky]

Originally Posted by miclason

In that sense, I got unwilling aid from my Mom!...since she insisted on giving Ale candy all day long (4 or 5 pieces a day!) when she was 2, eventhough I had forbidden it (Ale wasn't eating any "real" food!), I decided since I couldn't get Mom to obey, I at least could get Ale to, so I once put Ale in the playpen for taking the candy and told her she should NEVER EVER take anything from ANYBODY, not even Grandma, without asking me first!.....!

Oh good I am not the only one! I have a MIL with totally different opinions on how much is too much junk,a nd I too put my kid in time out for it!

[TBH]

This is a hard question. Maybe I'm doing my son (2.5) a disservice, but I don't want to make him afraid of strangers. I want to teach him to believe people are good. I think a lot of the problems in the world come from the fact that we all distrust each other. I do, on the other hand, want him to know that not everyone is good, it's not safe to go anywhere with anyone without telling Mama or Papa, etc. I also think kids need to learn to trust their instincts. If he feels unsafe, even with someone who is not technically a stranger, I want him to feel that he can tell me that. I don't have stats on this, but I've heard that a huge proportion of sexual abuse of children is perpetrated by people they know, not the mythical "stranger".

I talk to him about his own privacy and space. If I'm hugging him or kissing him and he doesn't want me to, he will say "Move back, Mama. Give me space." I want him to have a sense that he gets to choose who touches his body, even if it means he chooses not to cuddle with me. I tell him if anybody touches him when he doesn't want them to, or touches him in a way he doesn't like, he should tell them to stop and run away and talk to me about it.

He's at an age where he loves to get a reaction out of me. He often runs away in stores or at the library and hides so I can't see him. I have a hard time not reacting by shouting--then he just giggles and does it again. Yesterday at the library he started to run as soon as we got inside, and I grabbed him and got down so we were eye to eye and told him that it was very dangerous for him to hide from me in the library. I told him if I couldn't find him I would be very scared and very sad, and I needed to be able to see him at all times so that I would know he was safe. He finally seemed to get it, and wandered but always made sure I was not too far behind him.

I do think I need to talk to him about the fact that someone could take him or steal him, but I haven't been able to bring myself to shatter his innocence. He is a friendly kid but does NOT like people touching him and is unwilling to go to people unless he knows them really well. But I know anybody with a toy fire truck would be able to lure him away in a minute.

Scary.

[PrincessPerky]

I think while talking of strangers lettting a kid know most strangers are fine it is only some that are dangerous allows them to be freindly, but not trusting of all.

And I hate when peoiple hug or kiss a kid that doesn't want it! OR tickle, when my kids say stop I do, even though I love the giggles...I also never insist they hug a relative or friend EVER. SO tetachign your kid to push away and say no is excelent.

[mjrube94]

Speak to your local police department. Many have programs that they bring to elementary schools/preschools that teach stranger danger to kids. If your child isn't in school yet, talk to the local library and see if they can work with the police department to set up a program at the library about this. Alternatively, the police may have a videotape/literature that they could give you.