how to handle to gift givers

[jodi]

Here's my problem (I feel bad even calling this a "problem" since it stems from others bring so generous). How do you handle the hoards of gift givers for your kids birthdays/Christmas? I really want to keep the holidays simple for my boys and NOT have a million toys around the house that they will play with once. I want their toys to be cherished, not taken for granted and assumed to be their birthright. But they have multiple aunts, uncles, and friends who WANT to buy and ENJOY buying for them. I feel so ungrateful if I tell them no, but I just do not want all this stuff. When I was a kid, we only got gifts from my parents, siblings, and grandparents. Now it seems everyone wants to give something. All of my kids' aunts and uncles buy for them, as well as some of their great-aunts and uncles and cousins.

How have other people handled this? Right now I just grin and bear it, then return some of the toys and save others to regift, especially if it is very similar to something they already have. Still, my boys already have too many toys for me to be comfortable with.

I have had several ideas:
1. Ask for clothes and/or books - things they can always use. But unless someone specifically asks me what to get the kids, I don't feel comfortable making suggestions. And without asking, most people get toys.
2. Ask for the gift giver to donate a toy/book instead of giving one as a gift. How can this be done tactfully? My kids have so much, but others have so little.

Any suggestions??? Thanks!

[Thrifty Ray]

I have a friend who would have "theme paries" for her kids...one time it would be books, another time, teddy bears, etc...the gift givers were made aware in advance that the child was donating all of the bears, books, whatever...to a homeless shelter, family shelter, children's hospital, etc... At the birthday party, the kids all drew pictures an wrote notes to the kids who would eventually receive the 'gifts'...the kids felt really good about what they were doing, and the adults all loved the idea and were also happy to see the gifts going to a good, worthy cause...Maybe this will work for you???

[PrincessPerky]

Clean out the closets regardless of the giving habits!

I have a generous family and friends, and my best trick for not letting things get overwhelmed is to keep my giving down, and clean out the closets, some kid is benefiting somewhere. I hope. Oh also avoid giving big things, people think they have to outgive alot, so keep your gifts small and or 'consumable' helps direct people.

[debtfreeme]

When I was growing up my mom made us sort through our toys twice a year and donate half to a charity. There were always toys that were still like new sometimes still in boxes. We did this especially before our birthdays and Christmas. We took them to the church store and talked about while we had almost no money; there were others who were even worse off.

This might sound bad but would your aunts and uncles contribute to a college fund instead? Taking $15 for a toy multiplying by additional aunts and uncles etc. times two holidays makes your kids college fund grow faster. It is a hard conversation but maybe you can explain to them that college or additional education is more important than toys right now. Is there any way to talk about this?

Or if they ask, tell them things the kids need, clothes, books, a particular game or puzzle book that teaches them something you want them to learn?

[billybob]

I dont have kids, but I have seen this happen with my neice and my friends daughter. It gets to the point that the kids are so spoiled and overwhelmed with gifts that they dont even say thank you.

It disgusts me, and I really dislike gift giving in general. Its just a reinforcement of rampant materialism, especially nowadays because it seems to be getting more and more out of hand. Every year I end up with a bunch of stuff I dont need or want, and I feel bad getting rid of.

The way I handle it is that I give my neice(s) savings bonds for birthdays and christmas. I never buy them anything else. I dont feel the need to bribe them for affection with toys, I would rather see them not spoiled and have a nice little chunk of change when they graduate college.

I would encourage you to talk to your family and try to reason with them. Tell them you are starting a college fund, or would like savings bonds or something like that. I'm sure some of them will understand. The others may still buy gifts, but at least you will curb it somewhat.
Good luck!

[sweeps]

That's a good idea, billybob. They will (hopefully) be appreciative when the time comes to cash in. My only problem with even that idea is that there's still no incentive for the kids to save their own money.

It would be nice if there were a way that you could give kids matching funds. For example, you give them a future gift of $1,000, but the only way they can get that money is if they save $1,000 on their own.

This is why I'm saving for my son's college, but I don't plan on paying for the whole thing. He needs to learn that things require some sacrifices, including working hard and saving.

[debtfreeme]

i do the matching thing with my niece and nephew for the roth iras. Nephew is 16 and niece is 19. Ever since they openedthem with their first jobs i told them i would match what they save up to 500$ done in each calednar year. and the best part? Their parents match another 750. So if they save 1000 they get an additional 1250 for their roths! My nephew shows me each month how much he puts in and i pay him the same up to 500. He figured it out that he get a little more money on interest when it is put in each month so we do it that way.

[flash]

First, you must have spectacular kids. People give gifts and enjoy it because the kids are GREAT and it's WONDERFUL to experience their joy. So kudos to you!

Second, the problem probably comes down to WHY people love giving stuff to your kids. We have the same problem in our family. People love the joy and excitement, and don't have their own kids to experience (or don't enjoy it as much). Anything you can do to put the experience for the GIVER will help. For instance, if you are doing a charity as a family, maybe collecting for Heifer project or a adopting a poor family, get the kids excited about the project, and get the givers to be excited about giving stuff to the kids to give to the charity. That can be memorable.

I wouldn't ask people to give clothes or things unless the children will be excited about them. As horrible as it sounds, giving CAN be about the GIVER needing appreciation, joy, etc., not the needs of the kids.

[Ima saver]

I like the savings bond idea, that is what I would ask them to give!

[jodi]

Great ideas - thanks! I have no problems making suggestions when asked, but I feel very awkward making suggestions when I am NOT asked. I guess I will have to get over my squeamishness.
I can totally understand where this comes from because I too love to buy things for my nieces and nephews - but then to go to their parties and see how much else they get - it really turns me off. Really, is this what we want to teach?? I would much rather my kids get 2 or 3 well-thought out gifts than 15 that they won't play with...

[lrjohnson]

I think you are trying to go the totally right direction. My two cents: I find it really, really tacky when anyone directly tells exactly how/what to give for an occasion. If it somebody’s husband mentions a book or something the birthday gal might like, fine. But I absolutely cringe when I hear, "We've gotten enough household gifts; please donate to our honeymoon fund," or, "Instead of a gift, please bring something for charity" etc. The idea of a gift includes 1) a desire to give, not as a requirement as if it gains admission to a party, and 2) the fun of picking something out for someone. I don't spend a lot of time around kids, but if I did, I'd much prefer the parent gently guide me. "Johnny loves board games." "If you offered to take Susie out to pick blackberries on a picnic for her birthday week, I think she'd really appreciate that." "Jason would enjoy getting some good school clothes." But give me a choice-don't tell me no gifts, or that if I give it goes to charity, or that I must buy a specific gift-"Johnny needs Monopoly"-or that I must give money. Even if not asked, you can hint and guide. I know I'm ranting here, but I tell ya I feel strongly about it.


Kudos and congratulations on raising unspoiled, appreciative, non-materialistic kids!

[Snoopy2645]

Well the only time of year I have this problem is xmas I have a family that fell apart & well basically dh's has too so we dont see anyone really & they dont even know my kids bdays heck dhs mom thier own grandma dont know the kids bdays!!

But they all know when xmas comes so they send stuff or whatever ya know. I do tell grandparents the kids could really use clothes as they need more toys like I need a hole in my head!!! I do clear out alot before xmas & I quit buying toys mainly all year so xmas & bdays are it in my house. At xmas I do keep things in boxes so the kids only take out a few things at a time & save the rest for like a month later its like getting a new toy later on ya know. Also you can give the new toys or their old toys to charity never done the new toys but hey it would teach the kids the right idea of giving!!!

Also I try really hard to watch what I give the kids saves me money & they still get lots from relatvies!!

[PrincessPerky]

I have no qualms about telling my mother what to give the kids, and I try to make interest known to the rest of the family, we have a website, on it is actually occassionally a 'wish list' I include clothing needed (though sorry to say DS isn't to interested in clothes) and toys wanted/intersts. No one has to look but if they do, they will be more on target.