Married to a spender

[asmom]

This is a cautionary tale for you singles and youngsters.


I've been married for about 16 years. We were both very young when we married so we did not even think to discuss differences in financial philosophies. My grandmother told me to make sure I did not share my money with my hubby because it was a bad idea. It took me about 5 years to figure out she was right.

I assumed dh would be like my father who was always very responsible paying for everything cash plus he was a saver. Mistake #1.


Over the years, my views on money and finances have changed with more of a focus on my part on remaining debt-free, being financially independent and saving for retirement. My husand has not evolved at all.


Today, he has $30,000 in credit card debt. This is in addition to our mortgage. Furthermore he is not concerned one whit about it because some of his friends are in as much as $80,000 debt. It's hard to argue with that logic. He's still spending ya'll.


I have become more and more panicked about this. He does not have the courage to admit that his spending is out of control. I think he has an obligation to remain financially solvent for the family but he doesn't "get it". He will agree with me that paying down his debt should be a priority and in the next he will mention plans to buy some unnecessary and expensive accessory for his car. The bright spot in all of this is that we have separate bank accounts and credit cards. (thanks Grandma!)

I don't know how this is going to be resolved but it probably won't be pretty.

Thanks for reading so I can blow off some steam.

[locolorenzo24]

no problem...It has to be tough when one's a spender and one's a saver...
I used to be like that...Then I got smart!

The only way to come into the open is (my .02 cents)....sit down, and tell him "Honey, I'm concerned about your money. What happens if you become disabled, lose your job, etc.? How are you going to pay your bills? I love you, but the money I have will have to go to the living bills and the neccessities to live, I cannot bail you out."

Silly question...but what is his age, and does he have a budget? Do you? What do you guys make? Let's have some data!

Plus, NEVER let him on your accounts or credit....you might get a good short term deal, but I think he'd negate that really quickly.

[asmom]

Originally Posted by locolorenzo24

The only way to come into the open is (my .02 cents)....sit down, and tell him "Honey, I'm concerned about your money. What happens if you become disabled, lose your job, etc.? How are you going to pay your bills? I love you, but the money I have will have to go to the living bills and the neccessities to live, I cannot bail you out."

Oh yes, I tried that. At first he pretended to agree with me but when I found out that he was making no movement whatsoever on paying off his debt, that's when I was told that it wasn't that big of a deal. Forgive me for quoting Dr. Phil. but how can he change what he doesn't acknowledge?

Originally Posted by locolorenzo24

Silly question...but what is his age, and does he have a budget? Do you? What do you guys make? Let's have some data!

He's 38, I'm 36. We each make about $60K a year. I have had to cut my hours in the past year because I'm in school so I didn't make that much this year. Does he have a budget? NO. Do I? Oh yes. But I haven't been an angel. I have about $15,000 in student loans I need to pay off since I've been in school the past 4 years but at least I have a plan to pay them off. (It will take 1 year).

[Snoopy2645]

Well I am also in the same boat as u dh is a spender when I first met him I didnt realize it. IT slowly has gotten worse too. I used to before I was married hear about people who fought over money & I would think how can you fight over money I always had plenty because even being a single mom making less than 20k a year I was a saver big time so what was thier to argue about then I got married & Oh boy do I know what they meant now. My dh is about 25k in debt his truck I believe is 20k still owed & his loans about 5k. Me on the other hand never had a debt in my life until I met him other than my houses he got me into a little debt but not much but to be honest somedays I get really sick of him.


Not sure if our situation will someday end in divorce or not but I see no other solution at this point I have just shut up & am living with it but I dont know how long it will be before I am completely fed up I would say one more loan or thing he cant afford would be the straw that breaks the camels back KWIM

[PRICEPLUS]

Living that scenario as we speak. Fortunately my wife gave up her CC's. This did not happen over night. If your spouse will not change spending habits you should see about divorcing your finances from theirs. It is not by accident that arguments over money are the leading cause of divorce.

Divorcing finances means that you do not let your spouses name on anything you own especially credit cards or loan agreements. My CC's are in my name and my DW's are in her name. I worked too hard to let my credit go to heck in a hand basket. It very nearly came to me leaving. The wife and I still struggle with it but at least we have stopped screaming and are working on our money issues.

I wish there were a simple solution but there is not. I hope you and your spouse can reach an accomodation concerning finances.

[Snoopy2645]

we have done that kept everything seperate thank goodness at least I did one thing right I hope

[Ima saver]

I have always handled the money in both marriages, but in the first one, my husband was a spender. He liked to go to the dog track. He cared nothing about saving, he just wanted to live for the day. As long as I handled the money, we got by ok, but we divorced after 12 years and there was not much to split up.
He was a sucessful builder. After I left, he handled his money and business by himself. With in two years, he was a used car salesman and had to live with his new in laws. He never owned a home after that and wound up as a grocery bag boy when he died 2 years ago.
Thanks goodness my dh of almost 30 years has let me handle the money and I give him an allowance of $60 a week out of his paycheck. (He buys his own gas)
I pray you can make you husbands see the light and don't let them ruin your credit report.

[abowers]

I'm still fairly young, but I got a little carried away with spending while in college, with one of my credit cards!! I then realized, while a sophomore or junior, that paying the minimum would not get rid of the debt quickly. So I stopped using the credit card, paid cash for everything, and paid as much as I could every month. I'm glad I realized it was an issue before it got too out of hand! Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking! Now I am very careful with what I spend my money on, and I save my credit card just for emergencies (haven't used it in a year).

My long time boyfriend and I are living together now and we have separate accounts. we split the cost of just about everything (rent, cable, cell phones, electric bill). he helped me out with the down payment on our new car that I am driving, but I am paying the monthly payments (we are co-signed on the loan though). We take turns paying when we go out to eat, and for groceries. It seems to be working out pretty well, but we are both making about the same money right now. In 3 years when I expect to have my masters degree and be working as a school psychologist, I will be making more than he is (only for a couple years), until he finishes up his PhD work (then he will make LOTS more than me...) and I expect to pay a little more for things while I have a real job. (We will also probably be married by that point, but I think we will probably still keep separate accounts).

My boyfriend is not a big spender, and that has been a good influence on me.

[Optsol]

I'm thankful that we have joint accounts in everything. My humble .02, the separate accounts may actually be hurting you here, as there is no vehicle for joint control.

Perhaps start a third joint account for the "core bills" = every day expenses + savings + debt pay down, and have the individual accounts and credit cards be
on the separate accounts.

We don't have allowances, or limits. We do discuss our purchases (what we're planning on buying, before we buy it) -- helps tons with mediation.

We're both on the frugal side of the spectrum, but I'm certainly the more frugal one. We each have to compromise on occasion, but the communication up front really helps in working things out ahead of time.

I have empathy for your dilemma.

[TBH]

I don't understand--I thought if you were married and got divorced, you're responsible for half your spouse's debts even if your name isn't on the accounts.

I don't really know--my spouse and I are unmarried by choice.

[tomkat]

My situation is the same, except I'm the spender, and DH is the avid saver! When we got married, I had some credit card debt, he had no debt. I've always made more money than him, yet he has been able to save way, way more money than me. I was saving money, but too much dipping in my savings resulted in my savings not being as big as they should have been, and I should have had a nice chunk saved up since I lived in an inexpensive apartment with a roommate and had a side gig that paid between $400 and $800/month, in addition to my day job which paid good money (I'm a computer programmer/analyst). I realized I had absolutely no clue about money in December 2004 when I checked on my savings account at the end of the year (we maintain separate accounts, at my insistence) and discovered that my balance basically hadn't moved since December of the previous year, although I was putting money in it every month. There was $15,000 missing! DH was shocked, and so was I. I really don't know to this day what I did with that money; Well, I take that back...$5000 of it paid off a credit card early in the year; about $600 went towards a vacation we planned; I got laid off, so I lived off my savings for two months, so that was about $3000 gone. I think I took another $2000 to pay off a credit card I'd run up in the late fall. The rest of the money, well, I have no clue...no doubt, my "dipping" had gotten out of control that year. That incident made me sit up and take notice. I immediatly agreed to open up another savings account, this one with both of our names on it; that way, I can't touch it without speaking to him about it first (although I am the sole contributor to that account). That approach worked--This year, I did much better, socking away $17000, and I touched it only once to help finance our vacation (he knew about this), and even then the amount spent from that particular account was only $130.00 (the rest of my half of the expenses came from my personal accounts). I have one more card to pay off ($2200, to be paid next month, and we agreed that money could come out of that joint account), and then that account can continue to grow unfettered! For sure, DH has gotten me on the right track about saving money. If it weren't for him guiding me on how to save and where to cut back, I'd be much broker than I am now! Fortunately, I didn't mess up my credit through all of my spending, something I'm sure my DH appreciates. Plus, the fact that we maintain separate accounts has made it easier for him to deal with my spending...I'm sure there would have been WWIII if all of our money was combined! I can still do better, as I like to buy clothes, and sometimes I overspend in that area. And I don't buy expensive stuff either...I shop sales at Dillards, and I shop at Ross Dress for Less. You'd be surprised how $20 here and $30 there adds up! But, I digress. As I stated in another thread, I'm a work in progress!

So, those of you with spender spouses, I'm sure my husband can feel your pain!

[Ima saver]

When I mentioned the word allowance, I did not mean that that is all the money my husband gets! It is all the cash he gets, but anytime he wants to buy anything, he knows he can and does not have to ask me. He only buys things he really needs, like tools for his work. He has a charge card and can charge anything he wants. But he is so good and only buys when he needs something.
I could never live with a free spender! His only one big indulgence is cars and as hard as he works, he deserves a nice car!

[asmom]

Originally Posted by Ima saver

I have always handled the money in both marriages, but in the first one, my husband was a spender. He liked to go to the dog track. He cared nothing about saving, he just wanted to live for the day. As long as I handled the money, we got by ok, but we divorced after 12 years and there was not much to split up.
He was a sucessful builder. After I left, he handled his money and business by himself. With in two years, he was a used car salesman and had to live with his new in laws. He never owned a home after that and wound up as a grocery bag boy when he died 2 years ago.
Thanks goodness my dh of almost 30 years has let me handle the money and I give him an allowance of $60 a week out of his paycheck. (He buys his own gas)
I pray you can make you husbands see the light and don't let them ruin your credit report.

Wow, so your ex never learned his lesson? I hope that doesn't happen to mine. I hope he does see the light soon.

[asmom]

Originally Posted by Optsol

I'm thankful that we have joint accounts in everything. My humble .02, the separate accounts may actually be hurting you here, as there is no vehicle for joint control.

Perhaps start a third joint account for the "core bills" = every day expenses + savings + debt pay down, and have the individual accounts and credit cards be
on the separate accounts.

We don't have allowances, or limits. We do discuss our purchases (what we're planning on buying, before we buy it) -- helps tons with mediation.

We're both on the frugal side of the spectrum, but I'm certainly the more frugal one. We each have to compromise on occasion, but the communication up front really helps in working things out ahead of time.

I have empathy for your dilemma.

Oh we tried the joint thing for 5 years. I thught that is what husbands and wives were supposed to do but what while he was buying $500 watches and gym memberships, I was working 2 jobs to make the rent and the car payment. When I confronted him about it, he told me he didn't know why I was working so hard-he didn't ask me to. That is when I knew we had to split everything down the middle and I needed to get a separate account. And things were somewhat under control for a while but within the past 3 years or so, his spending has ballooned out of control and I am the only person who seems to be worried about it.

[Optsol]

Wow, yikes...

[Snoopy2645]

Well if we had joint accounts we would be in the streets & my dh knows it. He used to be the type who used payday loans & float checks so to speak. I guarantee nothing would be paid if he was in charge he likes to buy junk that is useless. I know where he learned his ways from hi parents & I from mine. So I guess its hard to change the way someone has known for thier whole life ya know

[pyotr]

I'm pretty sure that unless you have a pre-nuptial contract spelling it out that way, even if you've got separate bank accounts, all the money in both are legally in joint custody of husband and wife. Lawyers correct me if I'm wrong.

[TBH]

I asked about whether debts became the responsibility of the spouse, too. Here's an article from MSN.com: When it pays to stay single

It lists the specific states (not as many as I would have guessed) where debts become communal property.

[PrincessPerky]

I think you need to look at how responsible you will be for his debt if he passes away, or divorce. Then you need to make sure he is aware of what his debt will do to you. If the honest answer is nothing, then go with counciling for you both (cause it will be a stressful change if he changes) actually reardless, third party counciling might help.

If he honestly understands what he is doing to you and still doesn't care..... then get counciling and a lawyer.

I dream of 60K a year, but honestly more money might give me the excuse to NOT be responsible, right now I don't have much to screw up, so it might be a good thing .

[Ima saver]

No, my ex never learned his lesson and he died penniless! My husband and I have joint accounts in everything, but he and I are both good with money. If he was a big spender, I would have my own seperate accounts. But you know, now that I write that, I would have to say, I would not stay married to a man that was not responsible. I might give leeway to a young guy who hasn't quite grown up, but after a few years, he should "get it" My 2nd husband was 25 when we married and he had no problem handing me his paycheck and letting me handle everything.