Encouragement, please...

singinjeannie · #1 (**permalink**) 11-12-2004, 05:36 AM

I've been at this for about 6 weeks now, and find it increasingly hard. It is so much like dieting, but at least when you're dieting, you can see some benefit as the weight starts to come off.

Right now, I have no money (I actually have a negative balance in my checking account, but will avoid sending some bills out until closer to payday - sigh.) and I desperately need some grocery items. Like toilet paper, eggs and lunch meat. Payday isn't until next Thursday. How the heck do you live like this? Previously I would just use a credit card and justify it by saying, "Heck, I have kids to feed." Now I know that's not an option.

My DH and I have no relationship because we can't get away alone together even for a quiet conversation (no money for baby sitter and certainly no money to go out to do anything). Trying to get this money situation under control has really thrown a wrench in our relationship. For years, we'd been ignoring it, and getting along well with each other. Now, we disagree so much on how to resolve this and how much sacrifice we need to make, it's been sooo hard!

A few examples where we disagree would be:
Christmas (where he says we just have to not have Christmas and the kids just have to get over the NO Santa thing),
My getting a job. While we both agree I need to get a job, he's far more picky about what type of job I take. I've been offered two different jobs so far, one he didn't like the hours so he said I couldn't take it, the second, he said paid far too little, so I shouldn't take it.

I still find it very, very hard to come completely clean with the financial numbers with him, because they stink so bad. Why can't I just win the lottery???

Recently, I had to delve into credit again to pay the property taxes. If I didn't pay them by the end of October, I would have had a $500 fine. I didn't have $2500 anywhere, so I had to use Credit again.

I'm sorry to sound like a whiner. I just find this very, very hard and very frustrating.

I need encouragement to believe this is all worthwhile and that I'll actually get out of debt someday.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement!
Jean

miclason · #2 (**permalink**) 11-12-2004, 09:13 AM

Jean,
I find myself in the same situation...you (we!) are making progress!...just by NOT using your credit card, you are keeping yourself out of further debt (I do understand, believe me!...It's hard living on cash, especially when most of it goes to paying for things that are so far in the past, you can hardly remember them!)...
you may feel like you are having problems with DH that you didn't have before, but, this is not true- they were there, you were just ignoring them and, in reality, by taking them out, you are healing your relationship...once your financial situation starts to get better (and, believe me, it WILL get better!) you'll find that your relationship has been strengthened by all that you are going through!...
On the Xmas thing...do you think DH is secretly trying to punish himself - by making himself into the "Grinch" - for not having taken measures before??...it's just an idea...
Keep your spirits up! (and, believe me, one of the great things about this type of situation is that it teaches you to a. be more creative and b. be more appreciative of the little things!!)

vendigirl · #3 (**permalink**) 11-12-2004, 01:12 PM

You're doing a great job. Keep it up. It's not worth going back to the "old ways". As tempting as it is, you'll just find yourself more depressed at the increase in debt in spite of all the hard work you've been doing. Financial reality is a funny thing- once you open your eyes to the situation, you can never really be blind to it again.
I strongly suspect that the largest part of the reason why you're tempted to give up is in reaction to you troubles with your partner. We all know that stress can very easily cause one to justify indescriminate spending. It is important that you and your partner try to work some things out and even if you can't agree on everything, you must be supportive of one another no matter what. The Christmas issue is really hard and I have to admit that I disagree with your partner's stand on it, but the two of you will have to compromise somehow.
Charging your property taxes was the right thing to do. You have to look at it as a matter of lesser evils. As long as you keep paying your credit off, you'll probably pay less in interest on the charge than the $500 fine you would have had. Sometimes we just have to do these things.
Keep looking ahead. Hopefully next year you will be able to have cash socked away for those taxes. Won't it feel good to pay them outright? And as stressful as it is to feel like there are food items you need with no money available, payday will come again and you will be given an opportunity to plan ahead for next time and not be so pinched. As for the groceries, I suggest you sit down and look at what you have on hand for meals etc and concentrate on making a menu that will last you until payday with what is on hand. Getting through this difficult time with as little "damage" as possible to your financial situation will give you a great feeling of accomplishment. As for the things you really need (ie: toilet paper), buy the smallest and cheapest you can and remember that it only has to last until payday. YOU CAN DO IT! Keep posting. I'm sure it helps to know that there are a number of us out there who have been (or are) where you are.

liveandchi · #4 (**permalink**) 11-12-2004, 06:41 PM

Jean,

oh boy, I know exactly where you are at. And I'm thankful for these forums to help keep my spirit up a bit.

"I still find it very, very hard to come completely clean with the financial numbers with him, because they stink so bad."

I just came to terms with this. It was one of the hardest things I think I've ever done. We just had a heart to heart about our finances where I laid everything down. It was the first time I didn't try and hold anything back and boy, was I nervous about doing it. But I did it and the world is still turning.

I'm not sure if he still fully understands, but everything is now out so I don't have to pretend they are better than they were.

If you can do the same, I think it will take a portaion of the stress off of you. I was trying to solve our finances and at the same time try to make them not look as bad as they really are for his benefit. That was causing me a lot of stress.

Hang in there. I know that we are both doing the right thing even though it is very difficult. And things will get better.

singinjeannie · #5 (**permalink**) 11-13-2004, 12:20 PM

The "not revealing the numbers" thing. It's like this -- it seems every month there is some unexpected bill -- usually it's more like 5 unexpected bills! Last month here's the line up of things that happened that we didn't really have the money to cover:

1. Hubby blew out a tire on his truck = $47.00 for new tire
2. I had to have a dental work = $101.00 (they wouldn't accept payments)
3. Hubby got sick and needed to go to the doctor = $76.00 (dr. + drugs)
4. Daughter got sick and had to go to the doctor = $32.00 (dr. + drugs)
5. Second daughter needed immunizations = $20.00
6. Needed brakes on the van $146.00

It's hard to plan ahead for things like this when there just isn't any money left after the bills so you can't save for them!

Anyway -- although these things happen, and hubby knows about them, I have to give him the whole rundown at the end of the month and it's so hard to say, "Okay, because of the $422 of odd expenses this month, we are going into this next month $400 in the hole. Now, how are we going to make this work?" I just want to give him some good news for a change!

Thanks for listening everyone! I'm still trying, but not feeling very hopeful.

Jean

terry1156 · #6 (**permalink**) 11-13-2004, 07:31 PM

"I just want to give him some good news for a change!"

When you get into the details of the finances, you tend to focus solely on those. Remember to take a day a week and not worry about them. You can do that without spending any money. Even if it is 30 minutes where you and DH spend some time alone after the kids go to bed. While there may not be any good news this month on the money end, you still have each other and your children which is the best news!

singinjeannie · #7 (**permalink**) 11-14-2004, 06:39 AM

Interesting you should say this. It's really something I need to get focused on. I really am blest. This financial things has just taken over my life and made me miserable and totally stressed out. I want to be happy, not stressed out!

Just this morning I was looking at my wedding pictures with my young daughter (3 yrs old) and enjoying how happy we looked, how beautiful we were, how trouble free!!! I was yearning for those feelings again.

You guys are beautiful and I really appreciate your encouragement.

Jean

asrai · #8 (**permalink**) 11-14-2004, 07:46 AM

http://finance.groups.yahoo.com/grou...ncialBootCamp/

THis group is helping me and a few hundred others get in line with their finances. I love Dave Ramsey. Everyone around here knows this. He gives clear cut instructions on how to get your finances in line. Like getting on a strict written budget. You write down everything on paper and you do not spend a bit of money unless it is on that paper. You have to get your DH to agree to this tho which is a little harder (make sure you give him, yourself and kids a bit of spending money)
The first step to getting out of debt is saving $1000 for emergencies. So when you need dental work, or the truck tires you have that there.

seaar2000 · #9 (**permalink**) 11-15-2004, 01:46 AM

Believe me I know where your coming from. I make only $16000 a yr. I am very frugal to the bone. I do get child support, but I don't really count that due to it being there for only a few more years. I use the child support to pay my mortgage. I do have an emergencey fund and have $200 taken out of my check a month. I turn off lights when not in use, keep heat down, if it's not 50% off or more I do not buy it, cook by scratch, do not go out to eat, go to outlet bakery, go to an outlet grocery store, watch the sales in the regular grocery stores, stock up when there are good bargains. The only debt I have is my car which will be paid off in Mr. of 2005. Will have paid off my car in 3 years instead of 4 years. Figure the interest looks better in my pocket than the banks. Than the only other thing I will have to pay for is my house payment. The one good thing I have going is where I work at I don't have to pay a dime for my insurance. Everything is free as long as you use their doctors. The girls get on free. Whatever their dad's insurance don't pay mine pays. The only thing I have to pay for is my prescription which can cost anywhere from $2 to $15. Hang in there you can make it. Yes, it gets discouraging at times. I hate that I can't really get what I would like at times, but in the long haul it will be worth it. Renee

terry1156 · #10 (**permalink**) 11-16-2004, 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by singinjeannie

Interesting you should say this. It's really something I need to get focused on. I really am blest. This financial things has just taken over my life and made me miserable and totally stressed out. I want to be happy, not stressed out!

It is important to take time and step back and remember the really important things. It doesn't mean ignore the finances, just take a break so it isn't consuming 100% of your energy. Thins will get better because you are on the track to making them better and you should be proud of yourself no matter how hard it seems at the moment.

PennyPincher · #11 (**permalink**) 11-18-2004, 06:32 AM

This entire group is so encouraging, and I am motivated by so many of you. Many of you are doing on $16-$20K what I feel I couldn't do on almost double that. Not because I'm wasteful, but because some of you have mastered frugality. I applaud you...and the rewards are not far down the road...

I wish we could help each other out in more ways - has anybody given thought to a coupon corner where we could swop coupons or send them to those that need? I think of how many coupons I DON'T use from a given circular...and it would be nice to pass them on to others that need. For example, I don't have a cat or babies, but I've had TONS of those coupons... always extra cleaning and paper product coupons too...anyone interested in something like that?

crosses · #12 (**permalink**) 11-19-2004, 07:11 AM

I started donating my extra coupons to the <A HREF="http://www.savingadvice.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2575">military bases overseas</A>. That is a really good program.

amomof4 · #13 (**permalink**) 12-28-2004, 01:17 PM

SinginJeannie.

I was just wondering how you have been doing. Did u get to celebrate Christmas? Did you find a job?

My prayers are with you.

singinjeannie · #14 (**permalink**) 12-28-2004, 01:32 PM

Thank you for asking! Yes, we did get to celebrate Christmas. Our prayers (and yours) were answered by a beautiful couple we know who gave us a generous check to buy presents for our kids. I pray that one day I'll be in a financial situation to be able to help others out in the same way.

I also got the job I was hoping to get. I started the week before Christmas and am enjoying it very much. I like the people and I really like what I'm doing. I'm working 3-4 nights a week doing secretarial work at a company who specializes in helping people overcome addiction. So, I am doing something that helps people, and that makes me happy!

I got my first paycheck just in time to help with my 13 year old son's birthday, so he was able to have a special birthday dinner and a gift. Praise God for his goodness.

Now to get some of this debt paid down and get on a better track for the coming years!!!

Your prayers are much appreciated!

Jean

2moretrees · #15 (**permalink**) 12-29-2004, 06:25 AM

Jean,

I'm so happy to hear that your Xmas turned out well. Especially since you were so worried about it for awhile there. I'm sure you'll have the chance to repay the kindness many times over in the future.

It's also great news about the job. Congratulations! You have really put the foundation down and are doing great. It's such an inspiration to read.

terry1156 · #16 (**permalink**) 12-30-2004, 03:19 AM

Great news on the job and great to hear your holidays went well. Give yourself a big pat on the back for getting through that stressful time. You did a great job handling all that. You made it over that first hurdle and have put yourself in charge of getting your finances back in shape. Keep up the good work!