How to get DH frugal?

[Mabuisakura]

My Dh is not frugal at all. ANd it is hard for me to be frugla anf have him blow the money. How can I get him more frugal?

[LuxLiving]

Mab - it might be helpful if we knew a bit more about your DH and what it is you think he's blowing money on.

Do you each get an allowance? Is he spending beyond that? And literally how? Is he writing checks, visiting the ATM, using a debit or credit card? Filching cash from the petty cash fund at home??

[Broken Arrow]

That's quite the trick, isn't it? I wish I have a good answer for you, because I wonder about that myself, trying to get my friends onboard.

As far as I know right now, there are two basic ways to handle a spendy husband. The first is isolate him from the rest of the money, and feed him only "play money". In that way, you minimize the damage they could cause.

The other way is to slowly but surely expose them to the realities of money. For example, if they want cable TV but you don't, and you end up arguing about it, you can eventually say, "That's fine, but you'll have to find a way to pay for it." And of course, if they don't pay the bill, then the cable company will simply cut it off until they have to pay for it again.

I'm simplifying things a bit, and in the end, you'll most likely end up doing a little bit of both. The former is a short term fix, but the latter is the long-term solution. Sooner or later, the only real solution is for a couple to be on the same page with their financial arrangements.

[tinapbeana]

wish i knew what to tell you, b/c i frequently have the same problem. here are things i either have done or still do:

1. DH and i each get an allowance
2. i specifically refer to 'my money' and 'house money' b/c there are times dh acts like he thinks i use all income at my own discretion (WTF?)
3. i keep 2 wallets in my purse: my money and house money.
4. i sat down to write out the second half of the bills one night (i do bills due 1st-15th at the end of the previous month and 16th-end on the 15th). i looked up and said "that was a fast thousand dollars!" up till then, i don't think dh really had an idea how much was going out at one time (not to mention on a full month).

probably the most effective was over dinner a couple of weeks ago when he was acting like i was the world's biggest miser keeping all the money and not letting have anything to do anything fun. i'd just sat down and did a dry run of our taxes earlier, so i finally got fed up, looked at him and said:

"we made about 65k gross last year, the most we've ever made. after taxes, insurance, 401ks, let's say that's about 45k. our monthly expenses are 2k a month, or 24k a year. so tell me, where did the other 21k go? can you remember 21k worth of stuff we bought last year, cause i can't!"

it wasn't the rice place or time, i admit it, and we would up having a major spat at first, but just the sheer bigness of the number has put a different spin on things in his eyes. he even vetoed going out to eat once last week saying he was trying to help the budget ! ACK!

[Ima saver]

I try and tell my husband every day how I have saved money. For example, I will say, look I made $5 doing a pinecone survey; I saved $8 today buying steaks on sale and using my bi lo card. I used a coupon yesterday for toilet paper and saved $2. I tell him stuff like that all the time. He usually kids me and says, well, gosh, I didn't have to work today cause you saved so much!!
After a while, he got the idea that I am trying to save money and not spend it. I give him $60 a week allowance, and he has to buy his own gas and beer!(He only drinks one a day) He is real good to let me know ahead of time when he needs to buy a tool for work.

[LuxLiving]

I've found it helpful when The Hubster is shopping for something online or even out in public to nicely ask "And how are you planning to pay for that?"...it gently brings him back to the budget topic which is we generally have a line item category in the budget for what we both want to purchase, and if there's no money in there to buy? Well then, we don't buy. Period.

Save first. Then buy. Takes a lot of the 'Oh I just got carried away' shopping out of our life. Too TOO many computer purchases were only a glimmer in his eye when he left home only to have him return with one in tow. EEEKS!! Where did the money come from? "I put it on the CC." "Where are we going to get the money to pay it off - we've only got $32.00 in the checking to last until payday 1 1/2 weeks away????" Too many of those kinds of conversations later and finally being out from under the CC debt - we now SAVE FIRST. Then buy.

Nothing wrong w/window shopping or froogle surfing, but stay away from the buy it now button has been drilled in his head! (oops, too much Grey's Anatomy!)

[scfr]

1. Speak his language. In other words, if he is a sports buff, compare your finances (earning/budgeting/saving/investing) to a baseball game or a round of golf.

2. Make sure you are in synch on your goals. If he is willing, sit down and work through the "Smart Couples Finish Rich" companion workbook togther; it will get you talking and working together. You may be surprised at the differences you discover.

[disneysteve]

I think a lot of people have the mindset that being frugal means sacrificing things, when that doesn't need to be the case. Frugal can also mean getting what you want but doing so at the best possible price. Maybe your DH fears that he will be forced to give up things he really likes in order to become more frugal. I like to explain to people that by being frugal where possible, you actualy free up more money for wants and special things, not less money. Being frugal has a lot to do with prioritizing your spending. I will happily eat store brand breakfast cereal because it helps free up money for dining out, for example. We happily stay at less costly hotels when we travel. The pay off is we get to travel more often that way. So speak with your DH and try and figure out what about being frugal turns him off. Maybe you can work it out by compromising in different areas.

[PetMom]

Finances can be a touchy subject for some couples. Those that forge on together with the same financial goals and spending habits are going to be much better off sooner.

Many a spouse associate budgeting with deprivation, denial, not having a good time. And who knows they might have a point.

But when the fun times and living it up equate to worry over the finances andtrying to beef up the savings cushion it is not just worth it to have 'fun' or spend freely.

I just last month started my own super strict spending. I made sure my spending is as far down as I can get it. I cut way back on my meals and eating (it is surprising how much of our income goes to the Big Box or Wal Mart where we get most everything). I knocked that down to a bare minimum.

Then I worked on my gasoline comsumption to get that down to a bare minimum.

Then my own personal spending went to near zero (eg. make up, books, clothing).

Then I worked on our eating out on weekends and evenings. I just simply do not go. If I don't go out to a restaurant to eat hubby won't. That was surprisingly simple. We have done Chinese takeout where I will eat a few meals with the leftovers.

Our entertainment budget went to zero too. No more movies out either
with full concession (we might have been having too much fun).

Then it also helps to mention money or how much such and such is costing, or how much gas did they use today. And that is all. No more trying to get someone totally not interested in a budget plan to budget.

It is working! I am surprised at how much our emergency cushion is building. But, it can be irksome to watch
SO go to his daily eating out lunch (he refuses to brown bag - I gave up a long time ago even asking for this) while I have sat there eating beans and day old bread.

[PrincessPerky]

Talk, talk talk, and then talk some more...

I like how BA put it, and several other ideas.

Mainly in my situation, mentioning exactly how much money was availible helped dramatically.

No matter what try to keep in mind it wont happen in a day...

[Broken Arrow]

There is something else that I think is very important to add here. It's something that I'm sure has been brought up before, but I think it bears repeating:

You can't change a guy.

It doesn't mean a guy can't change. Rather, the only person that can truly change him is himself.

More specifically, if you expect a guy to change for you, he will only become resentful and defiant, making a bad situation worse.

Instead, us guys typically try to appeal to each other's sense of reasoning... but then place the final decision solely in their hands. This may be easier said than done, especially since I only have to be friends with other guys, but you ladies have to be married to them.

But still, I ask that you please not try to change them. If they decide that they still don't want to be frugal, or even reasonable, that's fine. Let them be asses, and let them fall on their ass on their own. This is how us men learn... the hard way. But we still prefer that way than to be nagged... er, I mean warned by our more sensible half.

Somewhere along the way though, I hope that you will find a balance in managing the finances. Who handles what and how much so. And as PrincessPerky mentioned, this will require time, patience, lots of communication... and um the occasional sexual favors.

What?

[Mabuisakura]

Thanks everyone. We did have an alowance for a little bit and then he needed so more money. When that happened I kinda gave him control. It is like I do all the dirty work and he get to control it. So I think now I am going to keep being my semi-frugal self (I am still learning) and let him do what he wants and let him fall on his arse when it is time to pay bills. Then we will talk I will keep all of you updated on my journey! Thanks again.

[PrincessPerky]

Originally Posted by Broken Arrow

. and um the occasional sexual favors.

What?

Warning RATED PG 13 (or 17)>>>>>>

Now to go OT, I have to say that while I figure BA was kidding too many are serious about that, 'you do X I'll give you X in bed'

Sex is for love, not for money, chocolate, food, or any othe rfavor. Sex IMO should be for whom you love, and want to do as a mutual time of fun..not as a debt to pay, chore to do, or anything else.

My husband doesn't stay because sex is good, he stays out of love, and the sex is good because of that love...

K I'll get off my soap box now........

[Broken Arrow]

Yes, I was kidding. And yes, thank you for clarifying that, Princess. I'm glad you feel that way, because using sex as a weapon is another great way to make a man resentful.

[Mabuisakura]

Originally Posted by PrincessPerky

Warning RATED PG 13 (or 17)>>>>>>

Now to go OT, I have to say that while I figure BA was kidding too many are serious about that, 'you do X I'll give you X in bed'

Sex is for love, not for money, chocolate, food, or any othe rfavor. Sex IMO should be for whom you love, and want to do as a mutual time of fun..not as a debt to pay, chore to do, or anything else.

My husband doesn't stay because sex is good, he stays out of love, and the sex is good because of that love...

K I'll get off my soap box now........

Thanks Princess I know BA was kidding, LOL I don't even know what that word means after having the baby lol

[LuxLiving]

I second PrincessPerky's sermonette! FREE LOVING & LOADS OF IT!!!

Next, this is my personal opinion but, don't bow out of the money issues with your husband if you can - stay in there and keep discussing the topic/problems/successes... it can be an ongoing talk. If you give up you may resign yourself to a lifetime of financial troubles that can be quite difficult to dig your way out of. STAY IN THE GAME!! Try not to let it get ugly, but do keep the topic open.

"Maybe we can talk about this again, after we've both had time to think about it some more." ...can be very useful.

[shelbylovesmelby]

Ya know I think going back to an allowance would be a great idea. I also used to give dh a bill when we were both working of what his share of the weeks expenses were & whatever was left over was his to spend. Though now that I"m a sahm, he gets an allowance & that's about it. But he does put things on the ck book w/o asking GRRR wich I can deal w/ from time to time though the CREDIT CARD is in hiding cause if there's $ available kiss it goodbye!

[trillium]

I couldn't get my hubster on the frugal wagon until..
1) Budget on paper
2) Envelopes for all of our spending
3) Visible headway on paying off our debt (ex. 0 balance credit cards) and my willingness to close at least one of the accounts down immediately when I got it that way!

[LuxLiving]

I think shelbylovesmelby has struck on something there that makes our budgeting efforts work for us - only one of us carries the checkbook these days and that is me the more tightfisted one who's also the bookkeeper. If Hubster is going to a place where he knows he'll need a check he just gets one from me and we have a discussion about what we think reasonable costs will be.

He is not one to use a CC or even a debit card unwisely. He has a CC & debit card w/him at all times so he could use it if he needs to which he does from time to time, but they are things we have budgeted for. He buys all his gas & prescriptions w/the debit card.

Whatever one's weakness is - can you make a way to work around it while still getting the job done? Hubster has no qualms about writing a check or spending cash where he wouldn't think of using a debit card or CC unnecessarily (I know goofy, but our brains work like they work!). We worked it out by removing the checkbook and most cash from his temptation.

Keep finding the leaks and make an effort to reroute around them!

[BCHGRL]

Well, I'm in an opposite situation. I was once the spendthrift, and I thought he was the tightwad.

What changed me the most is when I set goals and reached them, it felt great. Not only did it feel great to achieve financial goals, it felt great when my hubby praised me. I think it has something to do with that old saying "you'll attract more flies with honey than with vinegar." His nagging never did it for me. But seeing my own progress and being praised by him, that really made a difference in my habits.