Saving on bills in secret?

[PrincessPerky]

Sometimes the best decision isn't soley based on finances..sometimes people need to spread their wings, and things that are 'easy' to talk about are not easy to do..so your ILS may be finding it not so easy to live with youguys...not that letting thier son go is easier....

On dealing with screaming...umm write it down..try to say it..start with "I would like to finish the whole paragraph..if I can't I will leave it for you to read"..be prepared to leave (leave the house..preferably where she willnot follow), leave the card for her to read...promise to return in a set amount of time..(short if you think she will read it, long if not) ready to discuss...NOT likely to come to a solution of comprimise with parents however!!!! you can try..a good kid would...I wouldn't..but then I lived in my car for a time...not suggesting you do that..just be prepared that she will not listen to a word you say (or your fiancee says)

On rent..get the apartment in your fiances name.....or try school housing...room with someone letting out a room, rather than a whole appartment..rent smaller till you have money to push people around with....(studio apartment..still more yours than a room with the ILS) buy a van and a YMCA membership (for the shower) sleep in the van, shower at the Y..try to work out while you are there

on your parents and signing..you might just have to give something up...I know it seems like you can never have it all, even though it all is soo esy for others to do...but you just might not be able to..people arn't all seeing the same thing you are..your parents certainly are not looking into your best interests right now and nither are your future ILS..you have to pick what is best for you ....and look to your future kids if you plan on having them you will want an amicable relationship with the gmas...and that might be easier to achieve with biting the tounge and leaving...or biting and staying..but regardless so far as I can tell biting the tounge is very neccessary (and mine is constantly bleeding when I am around the MIL!!! not that it doesn't suffer around my mother...)

On information..knowledge is ower..you kept that power form your FMIL, so she is upset about it...maybe you had the right to keep the info..but living with her and the natural need mothers have to know everything makes her a bit testy..tell her you are sorry and move on..not much you can do.. (might even be one of few times her son has held anything from her-bit of a shocker that her kid is growing up? or bit of a scare that her son is leaving her for the other woman...that would be you)

laundry..I am sticking with the laundrymat..again not always the best financial decisiopon, but makes life easier on the homeowner.. Or do it at a friends house if you have any (with house, I am sure you have friends) play poker while the washer runs, take the rest home..play with pennies, lose and consider that paying the electric bill .

Mowign the lawn...if you are home during daylight hours do it..if not..you can't do it afterhours...I am guessing based ont he FIL objection to AM laundry..so you might need to offer a trade...or go buy a push mower...is silent mostly. Or it might be cheaper to pay someone to do it (while the ILS are out so they don't notice) then pay rent on your own..

silly things alot of my post..but I wanted to put out lots of silly ideas...cause humor is the only way I deal with ILS. And as limited as the sane options are..so long as you are willing to step outside there are more options than you might think.

[boefixepa]

Um...get married...you basically are already and once you are your parents can no longer claim you. You can have the big party and reception and renew your vows later when you have more money?? It's a simple answer to being a dependent to your parents if that's a big deal to you.

I would talk to the FIL about how it would be best to deal with the MIL. It appears the men in the house (BF and FIL) have decided avoidence is better than anything. Once you start school they will now you will have less time, the lawn only a short amount of time before it will no longer need to be cut. Personally I'd say they are now taking advantage of your giving. They have grown accustom to using you as their slave labor I guess you could say. They will probably take it as far as you will let them. There really needs to be a sit down conversation were expectation and jobs are lined out. Honestly it should have been done before you moved in. Once every know what it expected then things may be better. Whatever happends, good luck...

PS as far as I know...when you are living in the house with parents they except to know EVERYTHING! Though I agree that not telling them about the job was your right, I guareentee they didn't feel that way! I don't understand it, but I just know parents feel that way. My mom thinks I hate her because I don't tell her everything, it's one of the reason I don't live near my parents whatsoever!

med12 - I work weekends too... I have to pay for textbooks, gas, and I'm trying to get out of debt at the same time, so I'm working as much as I can, while going to school. Also, I really wouldn't mind paying them rent while I don't have the time to do all the extra chores, but it's a little more than just the chores. They give us zero privacy now. At first, they said that when we moved in, the back rooms in the house would be like our own little mini-apartment, and they'd respect our privacy and stuff. This was THEIR idea, not ours. However, now his mother comes knocking on doors down the hall just to see where we are. We're usually in the middle of a movie or something, but she burts in and starts talking, and if we try to politely tell her we're in the middle of a movie or something, she freaks out and goes off on him for disrespecting his mother... blah blah blah. I get the feeling she's getting more and more possessive over Nate (my fiance/her son). She does make him tell her prettymuch EVERYTHING that goes on in our lives. It really frustrates me that he does it, but he says he just wants to do whatever it takes to make his life easier, i.e. not have her screaming, crying, and freaking out. I just hate it because I feel like i'm walking on eggshells around her all the time.

PrincessPerky - You bring up some interesting points, but the thing is, before we lived her, we got along GREAT with them both. It's just, after living here, things have gotten worse and worse. My fiance runs his own business and works from his room (He's a videographer, and edits using his computer in his room). However she likes to burst in as soon as she gets home (this happened yesterday as a matter of fact) yelling down the hall, knocking on doors, asking where he is (usually i'm at work when this happens). He yesterday said, I'm here, but I'm working right now... and she freaked out yelling at him saying how he was rude and disrespecting his mother. Wow, she really is getting on my nerves. She's a grown woman acting like a child because she can't respect boundaries. Anyways... I'm trying to find a laundrymat around here (it's a VERY VERY small town), because we don't really have any friends here... except some with 2 infants, and they're never home. Anyways, as for a push mower, I would, but the number of dogs in this neighborhood is insane, and they'd get woken up within 30 seconds of me starting to mow at night or early am.

boefixepa - Yes, I've talked to Nate about us just getting paperwork done so we can be legally married to make getting an apartment and such easier, but he just hates us getting forced into it, because we originally planned to wait until I graduate college to get married. I totally agree with you, but he won't go for it. Oh, however, it won't help the financial aid until a year after we've been married. :P

Yes, the men in this family ARE very passive and just try to stay out of her way and not make her mad. It's VERY frustrating for me, lol. I would love to sit down and talk to them, and I'm working on getting Nate to agree to it, but for now, he's just so angry because things are literally getting worse everyday, that he just wants to find a place and not say anything until we're ready to move because he says she'll freak out either way, and he'd rather do it when we don't still have to be here for a few weeks.


Thanks for all of the advice so far everyone!

[cptacek]

Could your parents be sending you a message about living with your fiance before you are married by withholding the ability to claim yourself? One of my sisters was lived with her fiance and they needed either a washer or a dryer. My parents had an extra one and told them they could have it, but they didn't deliver it until the weekend after the honeymoon.

As a matter of fact, my parents are very religious and don't like us living together, even though living at his parents we have separate bedrooms, not together. But the truth of the matter is, my parents stopped supporting me the day I turned 13. I've been working since I turned 13 and had to pay for my own clothes, FOOD, school supplies, anything I needed or wanted - I had to buy it. And I was an honor roll student and never smoked, drank, or got into drugs or trouble or anything like that. I did my chores around the house, and no I never got an allowance, ever. And to this day my dad still can't understand why I moved out on my own when I turned 18. I felt like I was already on my own. The day I turned 18 (before I even met my fiance mind you) he told me I had to start paying rent if I wanted to stay there, on top of everything else I already had to take care of myself. Thanks for your opinion though.

[rob62521]

Lisa, I think your helping by trying not to run up power bills and also by cleaning is a big help. Would these people enjoy a nice meal out since they won't accept financial help on bills or share their utility bills? I'm sure when you grocery shop that is a big help because if you do it, they don't have to. It sounds like a win-win situation on your part and theirs!

[PrincessPerky]

I think the possesiveness will get worse...I moved out early and now I get along great with my mothers, sometimes it is the only way .

Since your DH needs to work at a computer you can't move out to the car....

Sounds like your parents are not real winners...... (either set)

Seperate bedrooms..meaning truly seperate? cause if so then you really are being forced into marriage if you go get it legal..but if you aren't really seperate, just the illusion of it..then you already are married in all but legality, go for it. (and put it too him that way, might make it easier on him.)

Please do NOT take that as a comment on your decision to sleep together or not, I do not mean it that way..I just figure that a marriage liscense and such is merely a legal formality, what you pledge to do for and with each other is your own. and what truly counts.

BTW while rob might find it win win, obviously you and your MIL are not......

[rob62521]

OK, I stand corrected. Apparently my post was before I read the part where it was said they got along well before they moved in. Either I missed that part, or it didn't show up until after I posted. Mea culpa!

PrincessPerky - As far as our separate bedrooms... They put me in his sister's old room (she got married at 18 and moved out already... she's younger than me). I feel like they're treating me like i've replaced his sister, since she moved to another state and they don't see her often.

I'm expected to do my little chores and pick up groceries for everyone, but I have zero time. I get up at 6am to workout (I NEED to to relieve all my stress), shower, eat breakfast and such, and then I go to school (college) from 8am-2pm, then I come home, eat lunch really fast, and go to work from 3pm-11pm, after which I come home and get to bed so I can get up the next morning.

As far as being separate or it being just an illusion, it's really miserable having to feel awkward even holding hands in front of them. We did used to live together on our own, before they recommended we move in to save money. In that case, we had 2 bedrooms, but it was just an illusion of separate bedrooms. Here, we can't be alone because his mother sporadically comes knocking and opening doors. She needs to let go, he's almost 24, and graduated from college already. I'm just beyond frustrated with the situation.

I'm working hard, and in about 3 weeks, when I've gotten some money in the bank, we're gonna go look at some apartments, and see if we can possibly get any landlords to work with us...

Thanks for the input everyone

[rob62521]

I understand your frustration, but since you are living under their roof, his mom figures she rules the roost.

[PrincessPerky]

Most moms do All we can do is hope to learn from it for when we have DILs...

Sounds like out is youir best option...I wish you luck, and one thing to think about for the futre (just IMO)...if your finacee wont stand up to his mom now (with all the help and support form you) he wont later..and later it might be even more important.....find out now what he is made of..before you get that legal contract for marriage...

[rob62521]

I agree with Princess on the fiance' standing up part. We didn't live together before marriage, but I should have seen it coming when my dh always gave into his family before we married. My in-laws weren't kind to me and he let them get away with it. My mil would run me down in front of people and no one came to my defense. I finally started speaking up for myself which made her even more hateful. If my husband had said something at the beginning, I think it would have allievated a lot of problems.

I know, and it does sometimes worry me that in the future when we're married and have kids and don't live here, he'll let her do what she wants still and not say anything to her. We've been together 3 years, 7.5 months now, and I hope it won't be an issue. I've mentioned it to him before, and he's said that when he doesn't have to be here and be subject to her "wrath" he won't mind making her angry if she's out of line. I just have to hope he sticks to that.

[ummabdullah]

HI there I couldn't help but read your post.. and let you know things will get better.

I think mothers do tend to take the dil as one of their own.. and she probably wants you to make her your mother.. she must know your own parents are not there for you at the moment.

I have learned one lesson in life.. that strife, heartache, and a bit of patience only makes us stronger. Try to include your mother in law as much as possible. Let her know you would like to care for her.. and don't worry about her returning any kindness. Save your money as much as possible.. and use that laundry mat. It seems like a long time from now..and soon you'll be saying mmm I bet I could have stuck it out even longer.

and yes it is that bad! Its horrible to live on eggshells! And yet all those hardships are going to make you grow .. become wiser, and stronger. I take all of my hardships as a blessing.. because the end result will be one fantastic strong human being.

[BCHGRL]

While you and FI are living there, see what you can do to save your sanity. Go for walks or just hang out in libraries, churches, etc.

I have an aunt that let me live with her for two years in college, and she is so appreciative when I do stuff for her now. She knew it was hard when I was going to school and making less than $10K a year, and she really didn't expect anything from me. Now that I have my degree and have a great job, I don't forget what she did for me. Recently, she wanted to repaint her house. She didn't even ask me, I called her and asked her when I needed to be there. My husband and I showed up bright and early on a Saturday morning ready to paint.

On the other hand, I have an extremely ungracious brother who not only lived with her, also brought his girlfriend-at-the-time/now-wife to live with my aunt. My sister-in-law was was only 17 or 18 at the time and she would've had to continue living in an abusive home environment if it weren't for my aunt My brother and his wife are the most selfish, ungrateful people I know. Not once have they done anything for my aunt to show that they appreciated her help. The way they have repaid my aunt is to hurt every person in the family, especially my mom who is extremely close to my aunt. Our family is now estranged from them.

Sorry for the rant about my brother, but I think the most important thing is that you show your appreciation when you can. It is important that your appreciation continues after you move out.

If they don't want help saving money, don't try to force it on them. It sounds like they have different priorities than you do, and you should respect that.

[BCHGRL]

BTW, 99% mother-in-laws drive their daughter-in-laws crazy. My mother-in-law lives 14 hours away and somehow she manages to annoy me. I think it just takes time to learn their style and how to deal with it. My MIL is passive-aggressive, so I am getting better at recognizing when she is trying to guilt me or my husband into something and have learned to cut it off at the pass.

MIL would say "I'd love to buy wedding pictures but I am so broke."
Old Me would say "Maybe we can buy a few for you."
New Me says "Well, you have up to 6 months to order."

Old me was just chatty Cathy. New me says as little as possible so it is not twisted completely out of context. For instance, I might innocently mention that on an upcoming trip we are staying with my DH's dad. I think it is a pretty innocent statement since he is the only one who has an available room. She won't say anything to me, but she sends DH this long e-mail whining that we must be mad at her because we aren't staying with her (never mind that there are 6 people living in her 4-bdrm house.) I quit telling her things and voila - no more crazy assertions.

[Snoopy2645]

I must agree MILS are made to drive us crazy however my MIL also lives around 14hrs away & she used to still annoy me but after being with dh almost 8 yrs I have just learned how she is & got over it!! She comes once a year to visit I may dread it for a month before she comes & then she gets here & we may not even see her much so I dont even hardly dread the yearly visit anymore!!

[rob62521]

Hey, BCHGIRL, I'm sure your aunt appreciates the way you do for her. You are a kind, considerate person. I think what goes around, comes around and that may just happen with your brother.

I'm also impressed how you figured out how to survive around your MIL.

[rickatheslicka]

First I want to say that it sounds like you are being extremely thoughtful and considerate and that your fiances's parents WANT to do this for you, so RELAX, study hard, and finish school. Maybe you could take an extra course each semester or keep your grades up enough to get a scholarship? But overall, let them help you!

On another note: From personal experience, I can say that besides the small increase in utilities, the major burder of having people living in your home is NO PRIVATE TIME. So a really nice thing you could do for them would be to tell them when you are going out and for how long, "We're going out, won't be back til after 10 pm." Or even better, spend the night somewhere else or go out of town for a weekend, let them have their house back, for however much time you can manage. I think this would help them more than worrying over every last cent. Just a thought. Good luck with school and your future in-laws!

[rickatheslicka]

Sorry, I was posting in reply to only the first page-worth of posts, sorry. Um, I think you should get out before it gets any worse.

As far as financial aid, consider emancipating yourself from your parents, this usually involves some forms with your school, it might involve some legal forms. Your parents have no right to hold up your FAFSA, especially when they are clearly not supporting you anymore. Unbelievable. And don't be afraid of student loans, just finish school.

Anyway, hang in there, study hard. Best wishes.