Men Jokes

[2moretrees]

A little humor for all the women out there

Question: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

Answer: He buys two cases of beer.

[2moretrees]

Oh, and another one...

Question: What is the difference between men and government bonds?

Answer: The bonds mature.

[emily1067]

How about some jokes about the women just to even the score...I don't have any, but maybe someone else does!

[2moretrees]

Sorry, I don't know any women's jokes, but I won't be offended if someone wants to add a few since these are all in fun. Cant resist to add another one

Question: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Answer: Both of them.

[terry1156]

I don't take any offense. They seem pretty accurate to me

[2moretrees]

Since I have been waved free to continue:

Question: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

Answer: We don't know; it has never happened.

[terry1156]

I guess I'll have to go out and find some blonde jokes to even things out:

Why can't blondes water ski?

They can't find a lake with a slope.

[2moretrees]

Question: Why are blonde jokes so short?

Answer: So men can remember them.

[terry1156]

ouch....I guess i should have seen that one coming

[Scamper]

Herer's One I just got In.


The Top Ten Thoughts for 2006

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If
you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for
a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they
won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky, not really
good for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid
someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the
weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two
hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you
thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the
world weird. Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is
located among the millions and millions of cows in
America but we haven't got a clue as to where
thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are
located.

[Scamper]

My brother sent me this one.

Joke.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the
garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his
little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her
seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent
eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He
went over to see what work of God had captured her
attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little
girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and
innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them
are Daddy Longlegs"

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for
a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay - stuff going on in our garden!

[Scamper]

This is from my daughter.

Joke

Little boy goes in the house, and asks grandma “what it is called when the guy is on top of the girl “ Grandma replies, well their having a sexy good time Sunny.

Little boy goes back outside to play. Comes running back in about 5 minutes.

Says “Grandma, their not having a sexy good time.” It’s called” Bunk Beds “ and mama wants to talk to you.

[Scamper]

Joke

Men Never Listen.

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s room, but it was always occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said “ You may use the ladies room , if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.

He did what was needed, and sat there . He noticed all the buttons he was told not to touch. Each one was identified by WW, WA, PP, and a red labeled ATR.

Well who would know if he touched these. So he couldn’t resist. He pushed WW and got sprayed nicely on his bottom. Oh this is a nice feeling, he thought. The men’s room don’t have nice things like this.
So anticipating even greater pleasure, decided to push WA button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, and gently dried his underside.

When the air stopped he gently pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom with a fragile scent of spring flowers. He thought, the ladies room isn’t a restroom, it’s a tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff was finished doing its thing ,he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button. Oh he said, this has got to be the best one yet.
I just know it’s going to be " Supreme Ecstasy "

The next thing he knew when he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed. A nurse was staring down at him.” What Happened?’he shouted. The last thing I remember is pushing the ATR button.

The nurse explained: ‘ The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your organ is under your pillow.

“Men Never Listen.” They passed this around at Bingo.

[Scamper]

Joke

Bullfrog


Bullfrogs & the tricks they can perform:

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for
his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were
very expensive.
She - Told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't
want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been- Trained to give men satisfaction.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this
month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and
what if it's true...no - More satisfaction from her ! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he
was extremely - Skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed
happy, thinking she may - Never need to perform this less than riveting act
again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the
noise of pots and pans - Flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and
crashing sounds. She ran - Downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband
and the frog reading " Cookbooks."

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your butt is gone."

[Scamper]

Joke
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed
bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on
this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we
can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading
out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you
going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard
you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because
she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

[Scamper]

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of
one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a
good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked
up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

[Scamper]

Senator Joke

While walking down the street one day, a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. "No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down to Hell.
The doors open, and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time, and before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose the place where you want to spend eternity." She reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.
The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and we danced and had a great time. Now there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says,” Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted for us!"

[Scamper]

Pest Contro Joke

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,.... "Those little devils.

Sharon Ikeam Office Manager

[Scamper]

Joke

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office and while there the Doctor
asked for a sperm count. He gave him a clean jar and said, "Take this jar
home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like
this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. She tried with her right hand, then her left,
still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with
her out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and
she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "Dear God man... you asked your neighbor? " "Yep.
And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Sharon Ikeam Office Manager

[Scamper]

Joke

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2:
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Commandment 4:
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5:
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Commandment 6:
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7:
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8:
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9:
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why
wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10:
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment story:
A long married couple came upon a wishing well the wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband
decided to make a wish, too. But he leaned over too much,
fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a
moment but then smiled, "It really works!"


Ramble Management