Men Jokes

[Scamper]

A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house, and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie.

"Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"

"But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed the brunette.

"Yes honey, and you're not rescued yet either."

[Scamper]

A senior citizen goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, I have sex only once a week."

The doctor asks, "How old are you ?"

The patient replies "Seventy-five."

"Wait now. You're 75 and have sex once a week. I think that's wonderful. What are you complaining about ?"

"My neighbor is almost eighty years old, and he says he has sex three times a week, every week."

The doctor smiled and said, "Your problem is easily solved. From now on, you say the same thing."

[Scamper]

A man had been troubled by his inability to achieve an erection. After visiting numerous doctors and not getting any help he decided to consult a witch doctor.

The witch doctor threw some herbs in the fire,shook his rattle,and danced wildly. When he was through he said,"I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. When you are ready just say...1,2,3, and you will get the largest erection that you have ever had.

After your wife has been satisfied she simply has to say, 1,2,3,4, and it will be gone for one year."

Later that night as the man lay in bed he said to his wife,"Watch this! 1,2,3!" His organ sprang to life,larger and stiffer than ever before.

His wife was amazed, she smiled and said,"That's great! But what did you say 1,2,3, for?

[Scamper]

Little Johnny was sitting in his bedroom feeling really depressed. In walked his dad and asked, "What's up son?"

Johnny replied, "Dad, I really need to get laid. I'm really horny!"

With that the father pulled $100 from his wallet and said, "Hear you go son, go in to town tonight and have a good time."

"Great!" said the boy and off he went.

The next day Little Johnny is in his room feeling good. In walks the old man again and asks, "How did you do last night?"

Little Johnny answers, "Hey dad, I got laid last night and I've still got the $100."

"Wow son, how did you manage that?" his father asked with interest.

"Well," said the boy, "I went in to town like you told me and I met grandma there and told her what I was up to and she took me to her place and fixed me up".

The fathers jaw dropped and he shouted, "What! You screwed my mother!?"

Little Johnny said, "But why not dad? You screwed mine!"

[Scamper]

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. And then you can begin a new life."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night,the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[Scamper]

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I
> was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my
> reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was
> an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.
> Old Age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for
> the first time in
> my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I
> sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the
> sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives
> in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those
> things for long.
>
>
> I would never trade my amazing friends,
> my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter
> belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical
> of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for
> eating that
> extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly
> cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am
> entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have
> seen too many dear friends leave
> this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes
> with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read
> or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
> I will dance with myself to those
> wonderful tunes of the 50's, 60'& 70's, and if I, at the same time,
> wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
>
> I will walk the beach in a swim suit
> that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves
> with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
> They, too, will get old.
> I know I am sometimes forgetful. But
> there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually
> remember the important things.
> Sure, over the years my heart has been
> broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or
> when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by
> a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding
> and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will
> never know the joy of being imperfect.
>
> I am so blessed to have lived long
> enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be
> forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never
> laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
> As you get older, it is easier to be
> positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't
> question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
>
> So, to answer your question, I like
> being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am
> not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste
> time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.
> And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)
> MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME
> APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
> MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF
> SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!
>
> FRIENDS FOREVER!
>
> Forward this to at least 7 people
> and see what happens on your screen . You will laugh your head
> off!!!!!!!!!!!
>

[Scamper]

> >
> > A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
> >
> > Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and
> > hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
> >
> > The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
> > not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
> >
> > The little boy says, "Dark in here."
> >
> > The man says, "Yes, it is."
> >
> > Boy - "I have a baseball."
> >
> > Man - "That's nice."
> >
> > Boy - "Want to buy it?"
> >
> > Man - "No, thanks."
> >
> > Boy - "My dad's outside."
> >
> > Man - "OK, how much?"
> >
> > Boy - "$150"
> >
> > Man - "Sold."
> >
> > In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
> > are in the closet together.
> >
> > Boy - "Dark in here."
> >
> > Man - "Yes, it is."
> >
> > Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
> >
> > The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
> >
> > "How much?"
> >
> > Boy - "$350"
> >
> > Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
> >
> > A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves,
> > let's go outside and have a game of catch."
> >
> > The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
> >
> > The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
> >
> > The boy says, "$500"
> >
> > The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
> > that is way more than those two things cost.
> > I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
> >
> > They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
> > confession booth and he closes the door.
> >
> > The boy says, "Dark in here."
> >
> > The priest says, "Don't start that **** again, you're in my closet now"
>

[Scamper]

Thought For The day

Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
And that is where ****ty ideas come from!!!!!!!

[Scamper]

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car ...

...found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice: " I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.

They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why .

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story doubled over on the floor with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. (ah, senior moments...)

[Scamper]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.

So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her and whispered , "I’m lonely too, buy me and you wont be sorry."

The old lady figured .... what the heck, she hadn’t found anything else. She bought the frog and put him in the car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "kiss me and you wont be sorry"

So the old lady figured What the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous young handsome prince. The prince then kissed the old lady back ... and guess what the old lady turned into?

Come on Guess!!!

She turned into the first motel she could find ... She's old ... not dead!!!!!

[Scamper]

Four guys were sitting around a swimming pool talking about Viagra. Three of the guys were already using it with great success. The fourth guy says “ Does that really work?”

Oh yes said the other three. So the fourth guy says” Well then I think I will give it a try, you all look pretty energetic.

Just then the wife of the fourth guy spoke up and said “If you’re going to start using that ole rusty thing again, I’m going to run and get a tetanies shot.

[Scamper]

An 80 year old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and get some action.

He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her. The prostitute started becoming annoyed and said, "Get lost old man! You're ruining business!"

"Sure would like to get some action tonight," said the old man.

"You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all finished."

"What did you say?" asked the old man.

"You heard me - you're all finished."

"Oh," replied the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

[Scamper]

Taxi Driver: That will be 80 cents please, Madam.
Lady: I have only 50 cents. Can you drive me back a little?

[Scamper]

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.

"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella.

"I do all my talking with this."

"DAMN," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

[Scamper]

Mirror mirror, on my door

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.

[Scamper]

A man and his wife were talking and he says, You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest.

Oh honey, she exclaims, I don't want you taking that out in public!

But sweet thing, he says, the prize is $100.

I don't care, she says I don't want you showing that thing to everybody.

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.

Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?

Please forgive me, sweetheart. He says.

You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see? she says, tears welling up in her eyes.

The man looks at her fondly and says, Only enough to win.

[Scamper]

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and they were going at it for a while when the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.

She does and they continue. A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "open your legs a little wider".

She does, then he asks again, "a little wider hun".

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

Till finally he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells "what are you trying to do get your balls in too?"

He says "no, I'm trying to get them out"

[Scamper]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
“You aren’t good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.
By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”

[Scamper]

One day, a stunningly attractive woman walks into a doctor's office. As soon as the doctor lays his eyes on her his profession goes right out the window. He asks her to take off her pants. He asks her to sit on the table and when she does, he starts firmly rubbing her thighs. He asks her, "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies, "Checking for abnormalities." Then, he tells her to take off her shirt and bra, and she does as she is told and he starts rubbing her breasts. Again he asks, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Checking for cancer," she replies. Then he instructs her to take her panties off, and after she does, he lays her back, pulls off his pants and underwear, jumps up on top of her and begins to have sex with her. Once again, "Do you know what I am doing?" Then, the woman answers, "Checking for herpes, that's what I am here for."

[cptacek]

Two muffins are in an oven.

One muffin turns to the other and says "Man, it's hot in here."

The other muffin goes "AAH!!! Talking muffin!!!"