Men Jokes

[Scamper]

Joke

BATHING THE CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add the required amount of pet
shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4.The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and "rinse."

6. Have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will
dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean!


Always here to give you the best of tested advice in difficult times....

Sincerely,

THE DOG


Management

[Scamper]

joke

Never underestimate a woman.

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

....including the curtain rods.

Management

[sweeps]

Originally Posted by Scamper

....including the curtain rods.

Funny!

[Scamper]

don't know what kind of jokes you lke. Management here is all women. they have sent us soooo many that they have gotton in. If you don't want anymore, let me know. Some of these are a trip. Let me hear from ya anyway.

Scamp

[markio26]

some of it is funny.... good humor is nice...i appreciate good jokes, just the clean ones though.... thanks for the posts.

[Scamper]

Joke

My Perfect Hubby

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It's me."

"Sugar!"

"Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


Management

[Scamper]

Joke

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look - Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones

[Scamper]

joke

Job Opening

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're B S in me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it.


Management

[Scamper]

joke

Lawn Needs Mowing

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!


Management

[Scamper]

joke

Vacuum Sales

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

Get Out said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse terds all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of these horse terds from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a dam good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."


Management

[Scamper]

joke

Test Results

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his organ out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them." Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?!"


Management

[Scamper]

joke

Bosses Wife

Kim Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Kim Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later Kim Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."


Managerment

[Scamper]

joke

Speeding

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too .

.

Management.

[Scamper]

joke

Foiled carjacking

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!"

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman...... No charges were filed


Management

[cbmeeks]

Ok, a turn about's is fair play:


The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.


#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.


#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.


#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"


#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.


AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.




41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

[markio26]

lmao... this is funny stuff.... and alot of it is true too.... what a hoot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Scamper]

I'm waiting on one coming in. He sent it, but the joke didn't attach. More coming tomorrow to he said. Might not get this one again, until tomorrow.

[Scamper]

Granny The Old Biker

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local
biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door.
A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his
arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your
club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain
biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks,
"Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked
over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish.
I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a
chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a
couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting
pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question,
have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope
... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few
times."

[Scamper]

>Joke

>A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf.
>Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window
>of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
>
>The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up
>there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going
>to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the
door.
>A warm voice said, "Come on in."
>
>When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass
was all
>over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near
the
>broken window.
>
>A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
>window?"
>
>"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that." the husband replied.
>
>"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
I'm a
>genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that
>you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you
each
>one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
>
>"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted
>out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
>
>"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do.
And
>I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
>
>"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
>
>"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in
>the world," she said.
>
>"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be
safe
>from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
>
>"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
>
>"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman
>in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
>
>The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now
>have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
>
>She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right.
>Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you,
>honey?"
>
>"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
>
>So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the
>afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about
three
>hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into
her
>eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
>
>"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
>
>"No crap! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"

[Scamper]

Joke

couple has a dog that snores. Bcause she can't sleep, the
> > wife goes to the Vet to see if she can get help. The Vet tells the
> > woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop
snoring.
> >
> > "Yeah right!" she says.
> >
> > A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
> >
> > The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself,
> > she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it
> > carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops
> > snoring. The woman is amazed!
> >
> >
> > Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
> > drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and
> > begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work
> > on him! .. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue
> > ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it
> > also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
> >
> >
> > Her husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
> > bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the
> > mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very
> > confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red
> > ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks

> > at the dog and whispers....
> >
> > "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took
> > First and Second places".