Terminating a friendship

[wincrasher]

Have you ever terminated a long-standing friendship? How did you do it?

I've had this friend for over 10 years - could be more like 12-13 years. He'll do just about anything for you - help you move, cut your grass, whatever you ask.

But he's a real boor. Can't keep his opinions to himself (and he has one on everything!). Talks non-stop, brings up inappropriate topics at inappropriate times, you have to talk over him to get anything in.
He owes me $1000 that he hasn't paid back in a year. Hardly ever picks up a tab. Always over at dinner times. Shows up uninvited most times. He's started arguements with some of my neighbors basically saying their Christian faith is BS.

I've had friends and family members say they won't come over if he is there.

So this last weekend I had about enough. He shows up just as me and some family and another friend are headed out to dinner. Normally I just say come on along, but this time I just looked at him and said we're just heading out, see ya later! I think he either got the hint, or really has hurt feelings, cause I haven't heard squat from him for several days.

So I'm thinking of just waiting to see what happens, with the hope he just kinda goes away. Kinda a cowards way out I guess - I just hate big confrontations. Rather someone just got the hint.

So do you prefer to just have it out with someone, or just drift away?

[disneysteve]

I'm the non-confrontational type so I'm more likely to drift away, not return phone calls, etc. and hope the person gets the hint.

[Broken Arrow]

Hmm, I think I am on the verge of doing something like this....

There's this guy I've blogged a lot about, and to be frank, I have a hard time with him. Details are too numerous to get into here, but suffice to say, I really do think I'm better off severing ties....

However, what I've learned about friendships in general is that they also require a bit of effort, and it's important that even though we're a bunch of dudes, to try to work things out wherever you can. Even if the end game is to sever ties. When things don't work out, I think it's important in terms of closure to know where we both stand and why it's best to part ways.

It's certainly not the easy path... but I think it's the right one to take.

[Thrif-t]

I'm kinda going thru this now myself...I feel myself drifting but I feel guilty about it. Maybe I just need a break? I'll probably break down and give her a call but as more time passes it just gets awkward and then it's like whats my excuse for not calling? During the holidays I was busy with the holidays and family but now as all that is drindling down I'm either going to have to call or drift away...I just can't decide?? I couldn't actually come out and tell this person that i didnt want to be her friend anymore or how I get tired that she can tell me anything but I have to watch what I say to her as to not piss her off, I'm just getting tired of tipey toeing.

[Beppington]

Originally Posted by wincrasher

Have you ever terminated a long-standing friendship? How did you do it?

I've had this friend for over 10 years - could be more like 12-13 years. He'll do just about anything for you - help you move, cut your grass, whatever you ask.

But he's a real boor. Can't keep his opinions to himself (and he has one on everything!). Talks non-stop, brings up inappropriate topics at inappropriate times, you have to talk over him to get anything in.
He owes me $1000 that he hasn't paid back in a year. Hardly ever picks up a tab. Always over at dinner times. Shows up uninvited most times. He's started arguements with some of my neighbors basically saying their Christian faith is BS.

I've had friends and family members say they won't come over if he is there.

So this last weekend I had about enough. He shows up just as me and some family and another friend are headed out to dinner. Normally I just say come on along, but this time I just looked at him and said we're just heading out, see ya later! I think he either got the hint, or really has hurt feelings, cause I haven't heard squat from him for several days.

So I'm thinking of just waiting to see what happens, with the hope he just kinda goes away. Kinda a cowards way out I guess - I just hate big confrontations. Rather someone just got the hint.

So do you prefer to just have it out with someone, or just drift away?

I avoid confrontations. And, having it out sounds like a waste of time & effort on this one anywa. Some things you might be able to discuss & hope for improvement, but someone who talks more than you like is just that way. I don't see how he can change that; it's in his nature. Ask him to please not talk so much, first he'd probably get really ticked, & besides how would he know how much less to talk??

I have a similar problem. My friend has a son with asperger syndrome ... talks non-stop about anything & everything, but primarily trains/ trams/ planes/ public transportation in general; if there's even a moment of silence, he's got to fill it immediately with something, anything ... so it's gotten to where I'm less & less friends with my friend because he chooses not to buffer the kid from me. What's worse, the son (age 17) has no friends at all (understandable), so he's decided that I'm his friend (age 41), & my actual friend therefore thinks how great it is that his son at least feels that he has a friend in me ... & therefore I get extra exposure to the son. Some people are friggin' blind to reality.

[wincrasher]

Well I'd be more understanding if he had a mental illness, but this guy is just ass. I doubt he'll stay away for long, he's got no other friends that I know of.

As I've said in other threads, you can't change people or can expect that they will change. If you can't accept them as they are, ya gotta give them the boot.

[Caoineag]

I'm a drifter. Once I start putting in way more effort than the friend, I let things slide until there is basically no contact. Its always a conscious decision I make though. I have met plenty of people who claim to accidentally do that to people they want to keep in contact with and I have never understood them. If I drift away from somebody, I meant for that to happen because I didn't consider the friendship worth the effort anymore.

[wincrasher]

I've got plenty of old friends who I've drifted from. But it was always left in a good state where I could just call them up and say let's get together and catch up.

I've always been a big believer that you can't have too many friends. You can have too many enemies, though. Some folks have such thick skulls that it just has to end badly if it's going to end at all.

[Beppington]

Originally Posted by wincrasher

Well I'd be more understanding if he had a mental illness, but this guy is just ass. I doubt he'll stay away for long, he's got no other friends that I know of.

As I've said in other threads, you can't change people or can expect that they will change. If you can't accept them as they are, ya gotta give them the boot.

I probably sounded mean there, so let me explain. I fully understand that the kid can't help it, & I can take my fair share of the incessant blathering, & have done so many times with my friend's adopted son. But my friend goes out of his way to bombard others with the son. Example: Our group of friends meets once a week for dinner at a sports bar/ restaurant. It's usually about 8-10 people. When my friend does attend, he always brings the son, & when they arrive he sits the son at one end of the table & then sits himself at the far other end. This happens 80% of the time. Figure that one out. The rest of us have actually gotten to where we try to sit so that the person/ people that got the brunt of the son's talking the previous week gets a reprieve the next week ... by leaving a certain seat(s) open. By the way, if we all pile at one end of the table in order to try to force the father/ son to sit together, my friend will seat the son at the open end & then go stand at the other end of the table. (these are high-top tables). On the rare occassion that they do sit together, my friend can temper the talking by simply telling him to settle down. But, when my friend is at the other end of the table, he can't really hear the talking & therefore does nothing about it; leaving us to either try to figure out how to nicely ask him to settle down or just put up with it. Being humane people, we always just end up putting up with it, which ends up pretty much ruining the evening of those sitting next to & across from him. OK ... that is all. It's off my chest.

[zakity]

What about telling the friend that there is "adult" conversation and that maybe his son should stay at home?

I go to a mom's night out occasionally and we have a "rule" that no kids other than babies because we know we talk about, um, "adult" things and we want to be away from kids.

[Beppington]

Originally Posted by zakity

What about telling the friend that there is "adult" conversation and that maybe his son should stay at home?

I go to a mom's night out occasionally and we have a "rule" that no kids other than babies because we know we talk about, um, "adult" things and we want to be away from kids.

Well, the son is 17 after all, & my friend doesn't seem to mind him hearing our "adult" topics & language. I think my friend feels like since his son has no friends of his own & his own age, we can be his friends instead. Unfortunately, we're all ~40 & the son is 17 (unfortunately with the mentality of about an 8 year old).

[PrincessPerky]

Originally Posted by Beppington

I probably sounded mean there, so let me explain. I fully understand that the kid can't help it, & I can take my fair share of the incessant blathering, & have done so many times with my friend's adopted son. But my friend goes out of his way to bombard others with the son. Example: Our group of friends meets once a week for dinner at a sports bar/ restaurant. It's usually about 8-10 people. When my friend does attend, he always brings the son, & when they arrive he sits the son at one end of the table & then sits himself at the far other end. This happens 80% of the time. Figure that one out. The rest of us have actually gotten to where we try to sit so that the person/ people that got the brunt of the son's talking the previous week gets a reprieve the next week ... by leaving a certain seat(s) open. By the way, if we all pile at one end of the table in order to try to force the father/ son to sit together, my friend will seat the son at the open end & then go stand at the other end of the table. (these are high-top tables). On the rare occassion that they do sit together, my friend can temper the talking by simply telling him to settle down. But, when my friend is at the other end of the table, he can't really hear the talking & therefore does nothing about it; leaving us to either try to figure out how to nicely ask him to settle down or just put up with it. Being humane people, we always just end up putting up with it, which ends up pretty much ruining the evening of those sitting next to & across from him. OK ... that is all. It's off my chest.

Have you considered what it would be like to live with the kid? If I were the father I would be running away with any chance I can as well! and depending on the home situation leaving the son may not be an option (Mom might really need that time WITHOUT the kid)

I am sure you have 'put up with' the kid many times, but maybe you need to help the kid learn better rather than put up with him.

There are many tips/strategies you can try to buy yourself time of silence or conversation skills. Take a model of a train for him to build, or a book he might enjoy, or try asking questions of him about other topics. It wont guarantee instant freedom, but it would be better than assuming the kid can behave just because he is 17, try treating him like a bright 5 year old, and bribe accordingly.

Not that you can't shun the guy if you need to, but before you blame him for clinging to adult conversation, try imagining yourself in his shoes - forever.

I pray I never end up with a kid like that, I have enough trouble not strangling my own perfectly normal kids

[wincrasher]

It all sounds pretty rude to me.

I think your "friend" is taking advantage of you being a nice guy. They probably need a break and you are affording them that.

I've been to many gatherings where the invitation is "adults only" and everyone respected it, so I see nothing wrong with having a few of those now and then.

[Beppington]

Originally Posted by wincrasher

It all sounds pretty rude to me.

I think your "friend" is taking advantage of you being a nice guy. They probably need a break and you are affording them that.

I've been to many gatherings where the invitation is "adults only" and everyone respected it, so I see nothing wrong with having a few of those now and then.

Yes, it's very rude. Thing is I & my other friends have been good friends with the guy for over 20 years, & he's a great guy in every other way ... just this.

[wincrasher]

Update - it's been over 3 weeks now. Not a word - no emails, voicemails - nothing.

So I think that's it. Got off easy I think. I expected more drama, I guess.

He does have a few items that he borrowed - but I don't want them back badly enough to call.

[Mike75]

Don't you feel bad to lose a friend? Well, I am the kind of person who makes friends for life. If I lose them, I really feel bad. No matter how irritating, a friend is a friend.

[wincrasher]

Nope. Read the posts.

[graceful]

Maybe he reads these posts. Lol.

Well, I'm glad it worked out for you without any drama.