Facebook etiquette questions

[disneysteve]

Sorry, this isn't a financial post. I'm relatively new to Facebook and I've really been enjoying getting in touch with a bunch of old friends dating back to kindergarten.

One issue that has come up, though, is that a couple of people have sent me friend requests and they've been people who I honestly don't remember at all from years ago. We were never close. These aren't people I hung out with. One was a guy who, apparently, lived across the street from me. Another was a girl I went to summer camp with. And yesterday, I got a request and I'm really not sure who the guy is. Based on our mutual friends, I must have gone to high school with him but I don't remember him. I'm sure we weren't friends.

I accepted the first 2, but I really see no point in continuing to do so when I get requests like that. But how do I politely deny the friend request without seeming like a jerk. My goal on facebook isn't to see how many people I can put on my friends list. I just want to stay in touch with select individuals. I'm not sure why these people even sent me requests.

[MiikeB]

My general rule is just leave it in the queue, do not accept or deny it. You don't want to accept it, and they will know if you deny it and could get offended. When you just leave it there they probably assume you just don't check your facebook or forgot about it.

[Scanner]

You know. . .I don't have an answer DisneySteve but I have an editorial to make about Facebook.

I think Facebook is going to be the next wave of "marriage therapy" sessions.

Think about it - all of the sudden - high school and college girlfriends and boyfriends pop up there. . .oh. . .my spouse doesn't need to know I am talking to this person. . .and the next thing you know - emotional or maybe worse. . . physical affair, esp. if your marriage is shaky to begin with. You sound like you have a great marriage so nothing to worry about. . .just saw this sort of thing happen with my assistant and her husband. An old girlfriend called him after logging onto Facebook and (nervey) asked if he was happy in his marriage.

I have been very careful about who I name as "friends." All of the sudden when I joined (I said, sure, I'll be friends - what did I know about it?), I see an old mutual crush from high school changing her picture. . .asking about the valentines gift I am giving my wife. . .man, I don't need that kind of trouble, ya know?

I originally joined to try to network for my business locally - it's just basically been a high school reunion. Whatever. Sorry I couldn't help you on the etiquette.

[kork13]

Don't feel bad about rejecting friend requests... They receive no notification that you rejected them--for all they know, you only get onto facebook once in a blue moon. Besides, the basic premise of an online forum (facebook, myspace, or SA) is that it's non-retributional. You aren't going to be given a guilt trip for something you do or do not do online, much less from people you barely (or don't at all) know or have contact with. I've rejected countless friend, app, event, etc. requests without any second thoughts, regrets, or negative impacts. Use it for what you want. Besides, if someone is trolling through old high school yearbooks to find new 'friends', they probably won't notice it when you don't accept them--you're just another name to them.

Originally Posted by MiikeB

and they will know if you deny it and could get offended.

MiikeB put this up while I was typing, but I wanted to clarify... A person does not get any kind of notification (except the lack of an affirmative) if you deny a request of any sort from them. This is a "safety" feature built into the system for this exact reason.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by kork13

A person does not get any kind of notification (except the lack of an affirmative) if you deny a request of any sort from them.

Thanks. That's just what I wanted to know. Of course, they may realize that I didn't accept but since I barely know the people and have no contact with them, I'm not going to feel guilty if they are a bit miffed that I didn't make them my friends.

[sweeps]

Agree -- the person is not notified if you deny their friend request. There is no notification sent out if you delete a friend either -- although they might figure it out by deduction.

[jIM_Ohio]

I would not worry about rejecting friends.

The people which you are friends with can see your photo and other info, and that may not be a good thing... so do what you do and who cares about everyone else's feelings.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by Scanner

I think Facebook is going to be the next wave of "marriage therapy" sessions.

Think about it - all of the sudden - high school and college girlfriends and boyfriends pop up there. . .oh. . .my spouse doesn't need to know I am talking to this person. . .and the next thing you know - emotional or maybe worse. . . physical affair, esp. if your marriage is shaky to begin with.

You're probably right. I know I've already run into one ex of mine. I shot her a note to say hi and ask how she's been and she wrote back, but that's all. Neither of us sent friend requests. It was just nice to "see" her and hear that she's doing okay.

I'm certainly not in the market for female companionship, but I could see using Facebook if I was.

[sweeps]

What would it be like if Facebook was actually played out in real life?
YouTube - Facebook in Reality

[kork13]

Originally Posted by sweeps

What would it be like if Facebook was actually played out in real life?
YouTube - Facebook in Reality

LOL!!! Brilliant.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by sweeps

What would it be like if Facebook was actually played out in real life?
YouTube - Facebook in Reality

Great video.

[PrincessPerky]

I tend to ignore, but knowing deny doesn't inform them is good to know.

Also the video is funny and very much why I do NOT post pictures on facebook.

[jIM_Ohio]

Originally Posted by Scanner

You know. . .I don't have an answer DisneySteve but I have an editorial to make about Facebook.

I think Facebook is going to be the next wave of "marriage therapy" sessions.

Think about it - all of the sudden - high school and college girlfriends and boyfriends pop up there. . .oh. . .my spouse doesn't need to know I am talking to this person. . .and the next thing you know - emotional or maybe worse. . . physical affair, esp. if your marriage is shaky to begin with. You sound like you have a great marriage so nothing to worry about. . .just saw this sort of thing happen with my assistant and her husband. An old girlfriend called him after logging onto Facebook and (nervey) asked if he was happy in his marriage.

I have been very careful about who I name as "friends." All of the sudden when I joined (I said, sure, I'll be friends - what did I know about it?), I see an old mutual crush from high school changing her picture. . .asking about the valentines gift I am giving my wife. . .man, I don't need that kind of trouble, ya know?

I originally joined to try to network for my business locally - it's just basically been a high school reunion. Whatever. Sorry I couldn't help you on the etiquette.

The college reunions can be a good thing. In the past 3 weeks on facebook I have found 75% of my fraternity brothers and we seem to have daily reunions applying old jokes to current events. It is clearly a good thing for my sense of humor.

A few girls names have came up and photos even have been posted. If you fear this type of thing, I'd suggest your marriage was not on solid ground to begin with.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by jIM_Ohio

A few girls names have came up and photos even have been posted. If you fear this type of thing, I'd suggest your marriage was not on solid ground to begin with.

I agree. If someone hooks up with an old flame via Facebook, their relationship was doomed anyway and it was a matter of when, not if.

[whitestripe]

just wanted to clarify something:
when you friend request someone, it will show when you click on their name that you have already sent a friend request. if you deny that friend request, and they decide to check you out again, it will say next to your name 'add XXX as a friend'. if you just leave the friend request it will keep it as 'friend request pending'.


in regards to the marriage thing, i think it is very interesting. i am sure if you had a rocky relationship to start with, facebook could certainly instigate some problems if one person was to add their ex'es. personally, i have some ex boyfriends as friends on facebook, and DF has some ex girlfriends on there as friends. neither of us are concerned that much. so in my opinion i would say there would have to be an inkling of a problem first, for facebook to start something.

anyway, hope i helped on the friend request thing!
i added a lot of friends from school when i first joined. i did make an effort to ask what they were up to and everything like that, and the ones that had no interest in keeping in touch i just deleted. i am not worried about offending them - i have not spoken to them in 5 years so why would they care if i suddenly wasnt their friend on facebook? there's a high chance we weren't friends in school either.

[workingmamma]

I figure facebook is like anything else there are going to be those who ruin it by using it in the wrong ways but I love it because I can see what is going on with old friends.

[workingmamma]

OH and do you answer everyone who talks to you? Some say it is rude not to answer every post. I dont' really see it.

[Emily26]

I think it's all about personal preference - if you don't want to accept the requests because they are people who you barely know or don't remember, then don't! Keep it to the people you want to keep in touch with, if that's what you prefer.

[snowboardebater]

You could just add them and then block their newsfeed items or even adjust your settings so they can't see your whole profile. Then no one's feelings are hurt... heaven forbid.