Does anyone else feel this way?

geojen · #1 (**permalink**) 08-24-2006, 05:31 AM

To all you married folks out there:

I feel like my DH and I are on the bottom of the totem pole with his family. We never get consulted about anything that pertains to the fam. They never ask us when would be good times to get together--they just tell us when to be there, whether or not it works out for us. They never ask our opinion on family decisions, they just decide and tell us what to do. It is really starting to get on my nerves!

Plus, his side of the family are total time hogs! His mom makes me feel like the worst DIL in the world because we don't spend our holidays shuffling between family events. We switch off holidays, but apparently, we are supposed to spend all of our time with them and my fam is supposed to get together on a different day!!

Broken Arrow · #2 (**permalink**) 08-24-2006, 06:00 AM

Strange, I wonder why that is?

geojen · #3 (**permalink**) 08-24-2006, 02:33 PM

I have no idea. Well, I do have an idea about the time hog thing. His two older sister's husbands never spend anytime with their families, so my MIL has never had to share time on the holidays before. She actually expects us to spend our Thanksgiving and Christmas driving from house to house, instead of actually enjoying the day. I feel like I can't really say anything about it, because we have only been married a year, even though we have been dealing with this problem since we started dating 5 years ago. I don't know what to do about it.

rob62521 · #4 (**permalink**) 08-24-2006, 03:31 PM

I had many of the same feelings when I married my husband. Nothing I did was right. We were expected to spend every holiday with his family. We do not have kids, but my parents had the same right to see us has dh's family.

My MIL was always criticizing me about this and that. I finally figured out she was resentful that my DH married me. He had lived at home and done everything for her and she felt like I had stolen him away.

I finally said to my husband that we either need to spend time with both families on the holiday, or pick one or the other, but not always his family. We decided to spend time with both even though it made for a stressful day for us. Fortunately all of us lived in the same area.

Hang in there! In-laws can really be troubling!

LuxLiving · #5 (**permalink**) 09-05-2006, 09:50 PM

Everyone else in our family travels to the others for their birthdays. Our little fam does not warrant a trip. We do not live any farther than the rest. They send cards and such SOMETIMES, but no one makes an effort to take any of us out to eat, or invite us to their place for dinner, etc. like they do for each other. Not a big deal or anything I'm crying into my rootbeer over but still noticeable. I often wonder why this is like this - did they sign up on roster sometime back in the 70's when I was absent one day?

~LuxLivingFrugalis

P.S. Now my mother does make the trip to see the kids in their birthday month and me in mine, but not the rest of the family. Shoot my Dad even invites my nephew-in-law over for dinner on the N-I-L's (this would be his grandson-in-law) birthday, but not me on mine - weird!! We are often left off the invitation lists to these seemingly private bashes. And, my Dad and I are very close in all other respects. Just a strange phenom!

No, I haven't invited them to my house for our events because I didn't want to be seen as expecting a gift. Maybe I'm missing some social cue??????? Has my deodorant failed me??? Dunno!

PrincessPerky · #6 (**permalink**) 09-06-2006, 07:27 AM

invite em to yours, and know no matter what you will prolly fail, expect it and you wont be disapointed.

stand up for what you belive in (thou do take others feelings into consideration) practice holding firm politlky now, it gets worse with kids.

Snoopy2645 · #7 (**permalink**) 09-06-2006, 09:34 AM

yup I feel that way with my husbands family his mom has paid for all the kids to go down thier even the ones who are married with kids except us she also moved his brothers family in with her & took thier family to vegas this spring she barely has time to say hi to my kids when she comes to our town one time a year!!! She will go to the casinos before she comes & sees my kids. I have just gotten used to it after 7 yrs figure better off without them!!

shelbylovesmelby · #8 (**permalink**) 10-01-2006, 09:07 AM

We have that problem about the holidays as well! My MIL (more so than fil) want the holidays with them everytime. So when we had our first we wanted to have Christmas Eve for just the 3 of us (@ the time) and dh fibbed @ told her he had to work. So that blew up in his face, she sent fil over with the bag of gifts & promptly left , on Christmas Day. Because it wasn't her way. Like it's our fault his sisters & their families live in AZ so we have to do everything with them every holiday. Bleh!

rob62521 · #9 (**permalink**) 10-01-2006, 11:26 AM

Hey, shelbylovesmelby, can you get the Arizona folks to invite your mil and fil to their home for the holidays? That would be a good solution for you if it would work.

Frugal Father (tm) · #10 (**permalink**) 10-05-2006, 05:26 AM

Familys can be frustrating. My wife and I both have similar family branches, we keep to ourselves and my mother is very involved inour lives ( after a long absense- some people do come around I guess). After a while it has been proven we are happier this way. We don;t invite because we were never invited and when we did they never came anyway.
"you can pick your friend but you can't pick your family."

savvy06 · #11 (**permalink**) 10-17-2006, 06:34 PM

You can't make everyone happy, but you should do what feels right to you, and I know that can be very hard to do if your spouse is not on the same page with you, or if you feel you need to keep the piece within the family.

PrincessPerky · #12 (**permalink**) 10-18-2006, 12:15 PM

Tell him you need a break, if he can't see thaat, he should be more than willing to step up to the plate and handle all the details, but you need to be willing to let him, so if turkey dinner is ruined, the house is rather messy, and the napkins don't match so be it, let him do it all, no comments from the peanut gallery, but do breeze on in to dinner after a nice relaxing bath and enjoy whatever company he is trying to be.

After it is all over and the dishes are stacked to the ceiling, ask if he had fun, and if he will be needing anything..as you are going to be int he living room with a nice glass of whatever watching/reading whatever....he can call if he really needs you.....but you wont come.

a simple threat of a night like that would be enough to convince my husband I meant buisness! and if not, one night of being off duty would be good for anyone

After a break then you two can decide if you need all off no contact, or if you need him tot talk to them about their statements (though remember people often do not mean anything by what they say...and no one can insult you without your permission) whatever, but untill he has an idea what hosting ahousefull of not so happy company entails he isn't going to 'get it'

LuxLiving · #13 (**permalink**) 10-18-2006, 12:49 PM

Tell him you'll be happy to let him take the money it takes to feed his family their holiday dinner at a nice restaraunt while you stay home and enjoy yourself. Or let them come to your house for call-in pizza while you make plans that day to go stay in a hotel/spa day.

Baugh!!! Do not suffer. Make arrangements so that he can see his family - but you make yourself comfortable at the same time.