Help!

[zim]

My wife and I live in different states due to our jobs. When we got married we both brought a lot of debt to the table. She has high credit card debt, I have high student loan debt, and together we have made some bad choices as well. She is awful with money and overdraws on her bank account regularly. Recently I have taken control of the finances and we are now using one account. The problem we have now is, she doesn't want to change her habits. She wants to eat out for lunch every day while I make my meals on Sunday for the whole week adn never eat out. I also have no cable/internet at home. Just to save money. I have been trying to budget for both of us, having her take cash out of the account to live off of for 2 weeks and I do the same. I take out much less than she does. Then low an behold she uses her debit card and continues to spend. She gets very defensive when I ask her about purchases, I thought we were in this together to get out of debt, but it seems she doesn't want to give up certain things that continue to hinder our finances. How do I approach this?

[papa_squat]

Wow, it sounds like your wife is in some pretty hardcore denial and needs a reality check. I think the best way to approch this is to gather all the info to show her your total income, expenses and your debts. She will likely get defensive, so don't get to self-righteous about it if you've made mistakes, too. Explain to her the anxiety you are experiencing about your current finances and that you both as partners need to work on this, if nothing else for the sake of your anxiety. Tell her how the situation is making you feel, but avoid saying "you should" and "you are making me feel." Ask her how the situation is making her feel. I think this will get you both on the same page as I'm sure she's not feeling great about it.

From there, you both need to sit down and come up with some realistic plans for debt repayment and bugeting your needs and wants. It shouldn't be this hard to confront your wife about finances. This signals to me that you both have been avoiding this issue and might have some deeper problms to work out, but it's good that you're confronting it now.

I do think that a joint account is a great idea for a married couple, but if she's overdrafting your joint account, it's definitely worth having individual accounts for your fun money and saving the joint account for the household expenses. If she want to overdraft, then she should have to pay for it in her fun money. This is all assuming that you split the bills in a fair way from the beginning. If you're not sure, ask her and find a way to make it fair for both of you. The best way to work of this is a regular dialog, so make sure to sit down and discuss your finances once a month. Open bills, look at where you overshot the budget, and make plans to course correct. Good luck.

[supercar]

Open a new checking account and whenever she and you buy/withdraw or spend any money (does not involve payments to already existing debt), but involves all bills, move the exact same amount to that new account. Do this for a few days... like a month and then sit with her and show her how much you guys spent that month and that you might have to cut down a little bit in that. Then set priorities. I don't think you can do anything but show her practically when she is defensive. Good Luck!

[scot184]

Gotta put your foot down on this one...what is her "defense" of eating out every day while you pack lunches? Gotta have some equality...

[Petunia 100]

It sounds to me as though you and your wife do not have the same financial goals. This is a big problem. Until you and she are on the same page, you are never going to get anywhere. Just my opinion, coming from one who has experienced the same thing.

[krantcents]

Compromise where you can but come to some agreement. You may have to go to a counselor to mediate. Good luck.

[woodie96]

I think one of the big keys here is living in two separate locations, maintaining two separate housing accomodations.

You will really have to work hard to compromise to both get on the same page financially. Without being on the same page, and living apart, it's a recipe for disaster. IMHO

[Hector]

you guys need to sit together, talk about your goal, create budget and stick to it. you can not compare things like you are eating home and she is eating out and stuff. you are not siblings that you complain to your dad when it comes to asking for spending money. you guys are married and you have to decide things together and stick to it.

Have a clear budget that both of you agree to and stick to it. if she is overdrawing her checking account, ask her not to use plastic. spending in cash will be better.

[DebbieL]

I would separate my finances from her immediately. You both live separate lives anyways. For me, I'll be honest, this relationship would not work. The long distance thing I'm fine with (and I've done that - and even now DH is away for work 3 weeks of the month), but not the loose finances. Big bone of contention that would be for me. I couldn't be with someone that wasn't in line with my way of thinking re: savings, etc. I would at the very least keep everything separate from them. DH and I only recently (past year) combined finances after 5 years of marriage. Prior to that I've never combined finances with any of my partners.

[Hector]

Originally Posted by DebbieL

I would separate my finances from her immediately. You both live separate lives anyways. For me, I'll be honest, this relationship would not work. The long distance thing I'm fine with (and I've done that - and even now DH is away for work 3 weeks of the month), but not the loose finances. Big bone of contention that would be for me. I couldn't be with someone that wasn't in line with my way of thinking re: savings, etc. I would at the very least keep everything separate from them. DH and I only recently (past year) combined finances after 5 years of marriage. Prior to that I've never combined finances with any of my partners.

To me separate finances are not the way to go. A couple need to talk about it and come to common ground and stick to it.

[DebbieL]

And to me, separate finances are the ONLY way to go in a situation like this. Honestly, I would consider breaking up if I couldn't get my partner in line, but I'd definitely protect myself with separate finances at the very least. Let her waste all her own money if that's what she's determined to do - I wouldn't let her get her hands on mine.

[Frugal]

It honestly sounds like it might be good to turn to a professional debt or credit card counselor. Sometimes, only the professionals can help. It sounds like there are deeper issues involved than just problems with spending.

[Hector]

Originally Posted by DebbieL

And to me, separate finances are the ONLY way to go in a situation like this. Honestly, I would consider breaking up if I couldn't get my partner in line, but I'd definitely protect myself with separate finances at the very least. Let her waste all her own money if that's what she's determined to do - I wouldn't let her get her hands on mine.

I dont see a point in talking about him and her and not US in marriage. if a couple is not able to be on the same page regarding finance, I would not go into marriage in first place.

they are already married, and doesn't matter they separate finance or not, the state where I live in, everything is being count as a joint property.

[KTP]

Are student loans divided up in a divorce? If not, then I would take out just as much money as she does and pay off the student loans asap.

[Gary Barzel]

I agree with what papa_squat said regarding explaining the situation to her. If she is in denial then no amount of proof is going to get her to own up to her excessive spending, she will just excuse it. I suggest you sit down with her and explain how much money you have, how much is available to spend, and how much is being spent. Ask her for her opinion as to what she suggests you should do, due the fact that the money is not being wisely saved. If she comes up with a proposition there more of a chance of her sticking to it then if you come up with something.

[photo]

What I'm reading is this. You both came into the marriage with bad debt and bad spending habits. Yet, you both agreed after marriage to combat both. You are trying to fulfill that goal, and although she is giving lip service to the idea, she is doing nothing toward it and in fact, is making things worse.

If that is correct, then your premise of wanting her to change is problematic. What should have happened is that you both worked on these problems before your marriage so that when you joined as a team, you both had the skills and experience to continue.

You might start out by showing you how much her overdrawing the checking account is costing. Then ask if she thinks that is a problem. If she doesn't, then you have a bigger problem! If she agrees that it is a problem, then ask how she thinks it can be solved.

The reality is that nothing will change in your situation without some spending modifications on her part. If she refuses to see what her actions are causing, then she has no desire to change. And at that point, you have to decide for yourself if that situation is acceptable to you. If it is not, then an option is visiting a therapist to give more details about your wife and your situation than you would on an internet forum, and ask the therapist for suggestions on how to communicate with your wife. If she really is that stubborn, then you have to think about what your life will be like for the rest of it and if you will agree to live like that.

If you don't have children, make absolute certain that you don't create any until the situation is agreeably resolved by both of you.

[terces]

I think the most difficult part of all the suggestions you have received is that you and your wife live in different states. How often do you actually get to see each other face to face? To me its such much easier for couples to handle finances when they are living together, helping each other out. Your basically living separate lifes...

[SarahJ]

She needs to suffer consequences for her actions. Maybe she should see how it would turn out if she doesn't change her ways. Separate your accounts and let her spend only what she makes. When she runs out of money, she will get a taste of poverty. Tell her if she doesn't stop this will be your life.. Not fair that you are the only one stressed out about the money situation.

[ltj2010]

You both definitely need to get on the same page or things will always be like this

[Eric80]

Hi Zim,

Seem like a real dilemma. You have a lot of debt, your wife is not prepared to stop her habits, and therefore you wont be cutting it down in the near future; you could take the bull by the horns and explain what she is doing could be detrimental for the future and eventually may have to go down the Debt management plan or an IVA, basically like bankruptcy.