Questions About Spouses

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by mlp09

I've been reading for hours and all I find are copy/paste articles about big spending on things people never use. My problem is a little different, but still frustrating, keeping my family in debt. I can't figure out what to do. We'll be seeing a psychologist for couples therapy soon because the marriage councilor has helped with everything but this and one other issue.

The problem is my husbands spending. He would "forget" to pay bills and our utilities and internet access would be cut off. We lost his car. We almost lost my car. We lost our apartment. We didn't have enough to buy a crib for our son in time. I scraped and saved and juggled our budget over and over for a year just to pay off $1,000.00 to be able to use the credit card since we had no furniture. As soon as it was available, he spent 75% of it on clothes, trinkets, games, and snacks in one month. If I put money in savings, he withdraws it or overdraws the checking account. We haven't celebrated holidays or birthdays ever, because we never have money put away.

Today we were paid. I paid all the bills and hid all the cards. I don't know what else to do. He can spend $100.00 in one day on things he doesn't need, doesn't use, sometimes doesn't even want it. He buys food for me, knowing I don't eat processed food, so he eats it or lets it go to waste. If I mention a snack I'd like, he buys several versions of it in one week, knowing it won't be eaten. He will take recycling in, then spend all the money right then instead of holding on to it, even if he doesn't have any other money. He has stolen money from me, from work, from our son's piggy bank and from our savings account. He borrows money from people and never pays them back. He blames it on me when I'm not around.

He doesn't spend on big items and he spends most of is money at places we need to go, like the grocery store or gas station. If I give him all the bills to take care of, he gets overwhelmed and doesn't pay them. If I give him an allotted amount to spend in one week, he becomes combative, picks fights about money, then takes more from savings or elsewhere; yet he was the one who asks me to create the budget so he knows what to spend. Sometimes he returns items, selling electronics or other expensive items that we used to have. Using cash only has no effect on his habits. If anything, it's made them worse. He will repeatedly withdraw cash from the bank accounts, not watching his spending even when it's the last $20.00.

I'm not being controlling or uncompromising. We have sat down to discuss this many times, each time coming up with a plan that he can work with. Each time he follows it for a day or two, then it's right back to bad spending habits. I feel like there's nothing I can do to help him and it's putting tremendous strain on our relationship.Does anyone have any better suggestions that what I've found online? He's been spending like this since he was a teenager, long before I met him. He won't go to addiction groups. Is there something we should mention in particular to the marriage councilor or psychologist?

If this isn't where I should be posting this, I apologize.

look at the bolded part above and make a decision to these questions:
1) Do you love him?
2) Do you want the marriage to work?
3) Does he love you?
4) Does he want the marriage to work?

If the both of you can truly answer "yes" to all of these questions... then you take 100% complete financial control.

There's no arguing ; becuase ultimately one of you is a financial adult and the other of you is a financial child.

The adult needs to take control, otherwise this marriage will fail.

This means that you do everything financial... you NEED to become controlling about this aspect of this situation for your sanity, and for your future.

This means that his paycheck goes into a joint account that he has no access to.

You pay all the bills, you give him a certain amount of cash that he can use each period of time (whatever works best for your income / bill paying realities) and that is to last him for that period of time.

No stealing... keep everything locked up from him. This is not a "trust" issue, it's a "lack of control" that is missing from your husband.

This is not a fault of yours, this is how he is.

In order to help him, you have to take control. Just accept the fact that for right now, for whatever reason, your husband is not in control of what he chooses to do financially. He's a child in that regard and needs to be retaught what money means to him as an individual and what money means to both of you as married partners.

If he truely loves you and wants the marriage to work, then he has to improve. You can help him to improve, but he will need to trust you completely and you will need to help him find the reason for this financial detrimental behaviour. The psychologist should definitely be made aware of this factor if he or she is not currently aware.

[NolaP]

My advice would be to see a doctor as well as a counselor. There may be a genetic or chemical issue there that can be helped with medication. Whatever the case may be, he is going to need a massive mental overhaul when it comes to finance. Spending addictions, just like any addictions, are scary, and most people feel powerless when they have them. Good luck to you both.

Nola

[wincrasher]

Sounds to me like he doesn't really want a family and the responisibilities that entails. He wants to continue being a kid.

If you really want to keep this relationship, you must take control of the money. That means paying all the bills, doing the shopping, gassing the car - all of it - and giving him a cash allowance. No credit cards or the ATM card. Essentially that means you being the grown up and doing everything for the family yourself. At least until the counseling kicks in and he starts to get better.

You can't change people. They have to change themselves. Good luck to you!

[FinanceVideoGuru]

I agree with most of the people responding. The child is now the most important one in this equation. If he will not look into overcoming his addiction to shopping and spending, then perhaps you should think about overcoming your addiction to him! Good luck.

[khosta]

This is awful... Not only does he need counseling he needs rehad too! He stole from you and your CHILD and work... If he keeps this help he will def be in jail soon enough. He has a horrible addiction. I'm sorry you're going through this. I surely hope couseling helps - for your sake and your childs!

[Frugal]

I agree, talking to a professional would help. Some people spend money to feel better about themselves, or to improve their mood if they are down...