Hi Scanner, you said you wanted to ask me a question, but I'm not entirely sure what it was, so I'll ramble a little at my own discretion...
I don't think that the role of a father has to be as primary care giver- if it is, that's great, but really it's just about involvement. Kids want to know that they matter and that you are there for them if they need you. The importance of the father's role has been sorely undervalued IMO- most everything a girl learns about how boys should treat girls is based on how dad behaves toward women. How a boy learns to behave like a man is mostly based on learned behaviors from the primary male in his life. Dads need to model important behaviors and kids need to see them. That's where time come in.
There were some studies not too long ago that showed that kids whose dads spent 10 hours a week with them, without mom around, did better socially and academically.
I don't think my dad saw himself as important in our lives, so tended to back off and let mom deal with everything (she's a strong willed, somewhat hateful person, which didn't help). Back then (in the 70s), none of our dads were super involved, but even a little bit of involvement goes a long way. I'd say the kid just needs to know he matters to you no matter how much or little time you spend with him. And he needs to know he matters more than acquiring material goods like a 52" flat screen TV or a BMW, KWIM?
I don't think you have to put off working long hours until you are 75 (unless you're already 70). The first few years of a kids life are the most important- they gain confidence and start developing their own identity. By the time they are "tweens" these days, they would rather be off with their friends or doing something independent of you anyway. If your wife decides to quit her job to be a SAHM, couldn't she go back when the youngest in in kindergarten?
I definitely relate to your anguish about being an older parent. I'm 35 with a toddler and would like another. I live in an area where single, teenage mothers are rampant. We often joke (sadly) that our daughter will be the only one in her class whose mom and dad live together... Though there are quite a few older parents in most places nowadays, older parents really are the exception not the rule. OTOH, I can see that I am a much calmer and better grounded parent than a lot of the younger parents. I hope my DD will be a better person for it. Still I often wish I'd had kids younger, struggled through our 20s and found our groove in our 30s. Wishing won't make that so though, so we go forward from here.
GL to you with all you have on your plate.
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