Comments on: Enabling Self-Indulgent Adult Children Is Not Good Parenting http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/2009/04/15/104358_self-indulgent-adult-children.html Bridging the gap between saving money and investing Tue, 24 Nov 2009 18:30:33 -0800 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8 hourly 1 By: Susan http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/2009/04/15/104358_self-indulgent-adult-children.html/comment-page-1#comment-637637 Susan Fri, 18 Sep 2009 09:45:19 +0000 http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/?p=4358#comment-637637 I also have 2 adult children, one who is self suffiecient and the other who has been a complete pain/drain. If she is homeless I would allow her to stay in my home temporarily but refuse to give her any cash or pay her bills. She will steal anything that is not on lockdown and I told her that I can no longer have her in my home, because I cannot trust her. Now I have found out that she is in jail. I do not know why she was arrested but probably from stealing from someone else besides me. I've repeatedly told her to grow up and get a job, or if she would get an education I would help her some, but she refuses to keep a job for any length of time. As much as I love her I feel no remorse for not helping her. She was certainly raised better than that and the audacity that she thinks that its my obligation to support her and I don't need near what I earn completely outrages me. I work hard and in this economy, despite earning a good salary I do struggle a bit. Longing for an adult child to act like an adult and live my life without her 'drama'. I also have 2 adult children, one who is self suffiecient and the other who has been a complete pain/drain. If she is homeless I would allow her to stay in my home temporarily but refuse to give her any cash or pay her bills. She will steal anything that is not on lockdown and I told her that I can no longer have her in my home, because I cannot trust her. Now I have found out that she is in jail. I do not know why she was arrested but probably from stealing from someone else besides me. I’ve repeatedly told her to grow up and get a job, or if she would get an education I would help her some, but she refuses to keep a job for any length of time. As much as I love her I feel no remorse for not helping her. She was certainly raised better than that and the audacity that she thinks that its my obligation to support her and I don’t need near what I earn completely outrages me. I work hard and in this economy, despite earning a good salary I do struggle a bit.

Longing for an adult child to act like an adult and live my life without her ‘drama’.

]]> By: babs98019 http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/2009/04/15/104358_self-indulgent-adult-children.html/comment-page-1#comment-621702 babs98019 Sat, 25 Jul 2009 07:37:28 +0000 http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/?p=4358#comment-621702 My 22 year-old daughter is a Junior in college and is fortunate to have an educational trust fund to pay for her tuition, books, and a car. She has always had a lot expected of her ( good grades, 7 years of violin lessons, working while going to school, sports, staying out of trouble) but in return received many things such as a nice car, clothes, expensive beauty products, designer handbags and shoes, etc. This arrangement worked fine until she became involved with drugs and alcohol. She has been in rehab once, but has relapsed a few times. Her latest boyfriend seemed like a nice guy at first but the longer I knew him, the less I liked him. He has also been to rehab. He became increasingly inconsiderate, verbally disrespectful to me and tried numerous times to get money out of me through my daughter. The more I tried to help the less respect I got, until I found out my daughter was lying to me and had pawned my late mother's earrings for money. I got them back, but that was the last straw. I told her to leave, and after a blistering attack from her stating that, "You have no daughter" and " You have ruined my life", she left and is living with his parents. She recently got a summer job and a small loan and I will not contribute another cent to her support. I feel outraged and sad when I read other stories of well-meaning parents being taken advantage of, and disrepected. I have my home back,and my peace of mind. I know now that I was being manipulated. There are so many deserving children in the world that need help and would use this level of devotion to make a life for themselves. My 22 year-old daughter is a Junior in college and is fortunate to have an educational trust fund to pay for her tuition, books, and a car. She has always had a lot expected of her ( good grades, 7 years of violin lessons, working while going to school, sports, staying out of trouble) but in return received many things such as a nice car, clothes, expensive beauty products, designer handbags and shoes, etc. This arrangement worked fine until she became involved with drugs and alcohol. She has been in rehab once, but has relapsed a few times. Her latest boyfriend seemed like a nice guy at first but the longer I knew him, the less I liked him. He has also been to rehab. He became increasingly inconsiderate, verbally disrespectful to me and tried numerous times to get money out of me through my daughter. The more I tried to help the less respect I got, until I found out my daughter was lying to me and had pawned my late mother’s earrings for money. I got them back, but that was the last straw. I told her to leave, and after a blistering attack from her stating that, “You have no daughter” and ” You have ruined my life”, she left and is living with his parents. She recently got a summer job and a small loan and I will not contribute another cent to her support. I feel outraged and sad when I read other stories of well-meaning parents being taken advantage of, and disrepected. I have my home back,and my peace of mind. I know now that I was being manipulated. There are so many deserving children in the world that need help and would use this level of devotion to make a life for themselves.

]]> By: Lacy http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/2009/04/15/104358_self-indulgent-adult-children.html/comment-page-1#comment-614016 Lacy Wed, 08 Jul 2009 14:46:54 +0000 http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/?p=4358#comment-614016 I have two adult step-sons whose mom died when they were very young. I came into their lives when they were 5 and 8, now they are 19 and 23. We have definitely had our share of struggles with them. The 23 year old got through college in 3.5 years with very good grades. When he graduated however, he didn't want to get a job and started drinking. he came home drunk one night and my dh said "the next time you do that you can find another place to live. Several months later we were called by his friends to pick him up at a party because he drank a quart of vodka. We told him we loved him and were very concerned about him. We gave him two options. Either get help or move out. He chose not to get help and after a couple agonizing months moved out. During those months he was very angry and would barely speak to us. After he moved out, he didn't call for several weeks. Slowly he came around, and is now working oversees with a volunteer organization. We are sure that if we did not "kick him out" he wouldn't be as confident and successful as he is now. We've always encouraged our kids to have as much independence as possible at each stage of their lives. I see so many of my friends enabling their children at younger ages and then I watch them become overly dependent adults. It's sad to see our generation stifling the next by not requiring them to be fully independent, responsible adults. Imagine the gifts, talents, and contributions that are being wasted by our enabling behavior. I have two adult step-sons whose mom died when they were very young. I came into their lives when they were 5 and 8, now they are 19 and 23. We have definitely had our share of struggles with them.

The 23 year old got through college in 3.5 years with very good grades. When he graduated however, he didn’t want to get a job and started drinking. he came home drunk one night and my dh said “the next time you do that you can find another place to live. Several months later we were called by his friends to pick him up at a party because he drank a quart of vodka. We told him we loved him and were very concerned about him. We gave him two options. Either get help or move out. He chose not to get help and after a couple agonizing months moved out.

During those months he was very angry and would barely speak to us. After he moved out, he didn’t call for several weeks. Slowly he came around, and is now working oversees with a volunteer organization. We are sure that if we did not “kick him out” he wouldn’t be as confident and successful as he is now.

We’ve always encouraged our kids to have as much independence as possible at each stage of their lives. I see so many of my friends enabling their children at younger ages and then I watch them become overly dependent adults. It’s sad to see our generation stifling the next by not requiring them to be fully independent, responsible adults. Imagine the gifts, talents, and contributions that are being wasted by our enabling behavior.

]]> By: Victoria Davis http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/2009/04/15/104358_self-indulgent-adult-children.html/comment-page-1#comment-587042 Victoria Davis Mon, 11 May 2009 00:13:54 +0000 http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/?p=4358#comment-587042 I am a parent of two adult children. I help my oldest with child care because he is a single dad of two childrenn now ages 6 and 4. They were three and 18 months when their mother decided she wanted a divorce. He resents that he needs my help. (he can afford to hire someone but the children already have a nanny) and he knows that i adore the children and they adore me. He does not say that he resents me but actions speak louder than words. he withholds gratitude, affection, dinner when i babysit, no christmas present for me (even though he earns seven figures) I finacially contribute to the support my 34 year old son. He also does not seem to like me too much. i am angry alot about the way they treat me but i do not do anything about it. I just keep doing the same thing over and over. I keep giving money, time, whatever I have waiting and wanting them to love me. I am a parent of two adult children. I help my oldest with child care because he is a single dad of two childrenn now ages 6 and 4. They were three and 18 months when their mother decided she wanted a divorce.

He resents that he needs my help. (he can afford to hire someone but the children already have a nanny) and he knows that i adore the children and they adore me. He does not say that he resents me but actions speak louder than words. he withholds gratitude, affection, dinner when i babysit, no christmas present for me (even though he earns seven figures)

I finacially contribute to the support my 34 year old son. He also does not seem to like me too much. i am angry alot about the way they treat me but i do not do anything about it. I just keep doing the same thing over and over. I keep giving money, time, whatever I have waiting and wanting them to love me.

]]> By: barbara http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/2009/04/15/104358_self-indulgent-adult-children.html/comment-page-1#comment-584455 barbara Mon, 04 May 2009 20:14:02 +0000 http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/?p=4358#comment-584455 What is in a young adult's head that makes them feel this sense of entitlement. My two kids were raised in the same household.....one is self sufficient and driven - the other has a sense of entitlement. Lack of goals or sense of mission to me is the issue. If your child is lost in life - it is very hard not to try to be supportive - even when it hurts. No one helps their kids beyond reasonableness to hurt them - they believe they are helping. The adult children lie, misuse funds - but the parents holds onto hope that "this time" they will make it - like you did when they were learning to walk. They don't have to be on the couch to be draining you dry. In some ways - you have to be ready for them to do something negative or drastic if you cut them off. Cutting them off could lead to suicide, cutting you off of communication, separating from the family. That is hard to deal with as a parent. I'm not making excuses - but people make this sound simple -- "just make a plan and cut them off". For parents who are doing this - it is about guilt (I'm one).........and loss. I lost a brother to alcohol. I don't want to lose a son. I know it is intertwined --- But - when does the kid "get" that they are loved and have support and need to utilize it well???? Nothing easy about this from a parent perspective. What is in a young adult’s head that makes them feel this sense of entitlement. My two kids were raised in the same household…..one is self sufficient and driven – the other has a sense of entitlement. Lack of goals or sense of mission to me is the issue. If your child is lost in life – it is very hard not to try to be supportive – even when it hurts. No one helps their kids beyond reasonableness to hurt them – they believe they are helping. The adult children lie, misuse funds – but the parents holds onto hope that “this time” they will make it – like you did when they were learning to walk.
They don’t have to be on the couch to be draining you dry. In some ways – you have to be ready for them to do something negative or drastic if you cut them off. Cutting them off could lead to suicide, cutting you off of communication, separating from the family. That is hard to deal with as a parent.
I’m not making excuses – but people make this sound simple — “just make a plan and cut them off”. For parents who are doing this – it is about guilt (I’m one)………and loss. I lost a brother to alcohol. I don’t want to lose a son. I know it is intertwined —
But – when does the kid “get” that they are loved and have support and need to utilize it well????
Nothing easy about this from a parent perspective.

]]> By: Ann http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/2009/04/15/104358_self-indulgent-adult-children.html/comment-page-1#comment-581578 Ann Tue, 28 Apr 2009 18:34:08 +0000 http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/?p=4358#comment-581578 Renee, it's time for some tough love in addition to the counseling! First, you have to set up rules and consequences and timelines AND STICK TO THEM. I don't know exactly what you're doing, but you have to be making things pretty easy or they'd want to leave. You've got to be giving them money, so that's the first thing you have to stop doing... just be sure that you have someplace to lock away your wallet! If they want money for anything, it's about time that they worked for it. You've got to tell them that the free lunch is over with. They're grownups and it's time for them to get on with their lives. You love them, but that loving includes believing that it's time for them to grow up. You can't afford to keep paying their way -- fiscally or emotionally! Set up some more basic "rules for living". They do their own laundry, they help to make dinners, they do their own cleaning, etc. Plus, they have to help with general area cleaning, wash their own dishes, help with yardwork, wash your car, and don't give them any money for anything. Finally, sit them all down and tell them that in four or six months they all have to have jobs and be out of your house. If they haven't moved out by then, have the locks changed when they're out of the house and don't give any of them keys. Tell them that you're going to do this and that, if they're stupid enough to try to break into your house (after it's done), you WILL call the cops and press charges. Write everything down and make sure there are consequences to everything they don't do! (It's their tough luck if they don't have any clean underwear, NOT your responsibility.) If they don't help to fix the dinner and clean up afterwards, they don't get anything to eat. If they don't help to clean the livingroom and keep it clean, they can't watch your tv or use your computer. Post the written rules and consequences prominently and stick to what you say! Have a feeling that you and yours really need some family counseling, so I'd check with local groups -- civic, religious, anyone and everyone. You're probably going to need some help developing a backbone. Good luck! Renee, it’s time for some tough love in addition to the counseling!

First, you have to set up rules and consequences and timelines AND STICK TO THEM.

I don’t know exactly what you’re doing, but you have to be making things pretty easy or they’d want to leave. You’ve got to be giving them money, so that’s the first thing you have to stop doing… just be sure that you have someplace to lock away your wallet! If they want money for anything, it’s about time that they worked for it.

You’ve got to tell them that the free lunch is over with. They’re grownups and it’s time for them to get on with their lives. You love them, but that loving includes believing that it’s time for them to grow up. You can’t afford to keep paying their way — fiscally or emotionally!

Set up some more basic “rules for living”. They do their own laundry, they help to make dinners, they do their own cleaning, etc. Plus, they have to help with general area cleaning, wash their own dishes, help with yardwork, wash your car, and don’t give them any money for anything.

Finally, sit them all down and tell them that in four or six months they all have to have jobs and be out of your house. If they haven’t moved out by then, have the locks changed when they’re out of the house and don’t give any of them keys. Tell them that you’re going to do this and that, if they’re stupid enough to try to break into your house (after it’s done), you WILL call the cops and press charges.

Write everything down and make sure there are consequences to everything they don’t do! (It’s their tough luck if they don’t have any clean underwear, NOT your responsibility.) If they don’t help to fix the dinner and clean up afterwards, they don’t get anything to eat. If they don’t help to clean the livingroom and keep it clean, they can’t watch your tv or use your computer. Post the written rules and consequences prominently and stick to what you say!

Have a feeling that you and yours really need some family counseling, so I’d check with local groups — civic, religious, anyone and everyone. You’re probably going to need some help developing a backbone.

Good luck!

]]> By: persephone http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/2009/04/15/104358_self-indulgent-adult-children.html/comment-page-1#comment-581516 persephone Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:27:04 +0000 http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/?p=4358#comment-581516 Renee -- Even if it does not immediately solve your problem, you should seek professional counseling to help you to deal with it. Based on your rather brief note, you seem overwhelmed, a good therapist can help you to feel better about yourself and the steps that you are taking to resolve your problems with your kids. Good luck! Renee — Even if it does not immediately solve your problem, you should seek professional counseling to help you to deal with it. Based on your rather brief note, you seem overwhelmed, a good therapist can help you to feel better about yourself and the steps that you are taking to resolve your problems with your kids.

Good luck!

]]> By: David G. Mitchell http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/2009/04/15/104358_self-indulgent-adult-children.html/comment-page-1#comment-581425 David G. Mitchell Tue, 28 Apr 2009 12:46:36 +0000 http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/?p=4358#comment-581425 Renee -- If the children are living in your home, you still make the rules no matter how old they may be. If they are not willing to follow the rules, you need to be strong enough to make them leave. Stop giving them money. Stop feeding them. Make them see what it takes to survive on their own. If you have trouble doing this, I suggest you seek out a therapist who can help you through this process. If you are employed, your employer may have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP, as Jackie has already noted) which you should call for help. Good luck! (And I hope my other readers will also offer their advice as well.) Renee — If the children are living in your home, you still make the rules no matter how old they may be. If they are not willing to follow the rules, you need to be strong enough to make them leave. Stop giving them money. Stop feeding them. Make them see what it takes to survive on their own.

If you have trouble doing this, I suggest you seek out a therapist who can help you through this process. If you are employed, your employer may have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP, as Jackie has already noted) which you should call for help.

Good luck! (And I hope my other readers will also offer their advice as well.)

]]> By: renee http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/2009/04/15/104358_self-indulgent-adult-children.html/comment-page-1#comment-581085 renee Mon, 27 Apr 2009 21:51:39 +0000 http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/?p=4358#comment-581085 my kids are all over 18 and wont work and dont wont to follow the house rules. im so stresses out . they so sorry mom andbreak the rules over and over. NEED ADVICE ASAP my kids are all over 18 and wont work and dont wont to follow the house rules. im so stresses out . they so sorry mom andbreak the rules over and over. NEED ADVICE ASAP

]]> By: persephone http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/2009/04/15/104358_self-indulgent-adult-children.html/comment-page-1#comment-578840 persephone Thu, 23 Apr 2009 21:00:58 +0000 http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/?p=4358#comment-578840 Jackie -- Thanks again for the tip. I've passed your suggestion along to the daughter's parents. I hope this works for them! Jackie — Thanks again for the tip. I’ve passed your suggestion along to the daughter’s parents. I hope this works for them!

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