Comments on: Enabling Self-Indulgent Adult Children Is Not Good Parenting

By: Siena

Siena — Sat, 05 May 2012 20:00:27 +0000

I have a 28 year-old family member that is currently living at home with his parents while finishing his last year of law school. A week before finals it was discovered/revealed that he had been stealing from his family, pathologically lying about a series of things, and basically involved in all sorts of self-destructive behavior for months. The whole family has been communicating about the situation and putting all of the pieces together, but has not yet confronted him so that he could get through his last finals before graduating. Law school is pretty much the only structured thing he has going on. He got straight A’s the first 2 years and it is unclear how he has been doing this last year. He has not seemed himself, has been disorganized, and going out a lot more than usual.

How should the family confront him once finals are over? Should they pursue a formal/professional intervention? The student has a generally defensive personality and will be difficult to talk to, has been continuously lying and really needs help in order to proceed with a healthy and successful future. There is hope here, but the path will not be easy…he seems to have really lost himself and gotten involved with some bad characters, possibly drug addiction, and who knows what else.

Though the parents are somewhat responsibly for enabling to an extent, they were only allowing him to live at home and helping with support in order to help this individual complete law school, not just to do nothing and enable him to take advantage of them. They really need support and help understanding that they are not to blame for these surprisingly revealed circumstances.

Any advice on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated.

By: jai

jai — Thu, 03 May 2012 23:08:10 +0000

I have had it with my 24 yr old son. He finds money to drink and smoke weed. He borrows money that he never pays back. Throws tantrums when he does not get his way, I live off of a $715.00 disability check that supports me and my lazy 19 yr with 2 children of her own. She can’t keep a job. Is too good for Welfare. Spends all day on facebook and a cell phone that I pay for. ENOUGH! I no longer care if they never speak to me again any of them. He lives in Atlanta, but he is always hungry, homeless or both. Yet when he gets a job, he gets a case of selective amnesia. He never remembers to pay back any loans. They both have champagne taste with beer pockets. I am sick of these BUMS! yes I said it. I am going to let the chips fall where they may,

By: Kathryn Tass

Kathryn Tass — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 17:46:13 +0000

Oh, BTW: she is 46 yrs, old.No job, no plans for one, won’t admit changing jobs is a good idea. She has depleted our joint CD, diminished our savings, and keeps on asking for money saying “this time it will work”. She also has anxiety issues. I told her to seek counseling. I become the bad step mother…. I can’t handle this anymore.

By: Kathryn Tass

Kathryn Tass — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 17:43:32 +0000

My husband has been giving his oldest daughter (my step) monoey for the past 4 yrs to the tune of $80K. He will not admit her failures in jobs, relationships. She feels entitled.I wnt this to stop, He says she will be homeless.What do I do?

By: too good

too good — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 01:40:28 +0000

Why do you put up with it? What’s your bottom line? Sounds like some type of codependent addiction. I was in a relationship with a mom who was still washing her 27 year old son’s underwear. he hadn’t worked a day in his life and mommy bought him a new car, iphone, ipad, imac, all his clothes, everything! to talk about was off limits. i finally realized that her not talking about it was her not paying attention to my needs. i finally left. They are still living together. Probably will live together their entire lives. So happy I’m rid of that!

By: Dawn

Dawn — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 11:20:59 +0000

From my own experience I do not have children but I had parents and know that they said no when I needed help to pay my bills and no when I wanted to move back home. However, my boyfriend who I have lived with for 2 years has 2 adult children and 2 grandchildren living with us. They used to have jobs but as soon as I moved in 2 years ago they both quit their jobs. They sit at the computer once a week looking for jobs and the rest of the time they play. They do nothing for the household such as cleaning or mowing or taking out the trash. What I don’t understand is why my boyfriend has let this go on for so long. It has really put a strain on our relationship because they create drama and make us miserable and I have no control over any of it since they are not my children. My question is WHY DOES HE ALLOW THIS TO GO ON?

By: Sylvia

Sylvia — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 01:01:40 +0000

My son is 27 years old. I raised him as a single parent and unfortunately, I spoiled him for many reasons but mainly because I really love him (which is a stupid thing to do). He did not finish school or the extremely expensive sound engineering schooling in London which my mom financed twice for him.
So he never really achieved anything, never worked full-time (he does not believe in it), and has no idea what it is like to be independent. He relies on the family’s money (mine and my 77 year old mom) with a sense of entitlement.
Unfortunately, beyond being very spoiled and an underachiever, he has also been suffering from Crohn’s disease for the past 14 years. He has not worked for the past year or so. Sadly, his health has also recently deteriorated (although right now, he is stable). Unfortunately, he is physically disabled but his mental handicap (poor me, “you owe me” attitude) as always existed and it is even more debilitating than his physical handicap.
Don’t misunderstand me. I have always felt very sorry for him and I always tried to “make things very easy” for him (and always took care of everything) but I have unwillingly encouraged him to foster this poor me attitude, mental handicap, and underachievement, and enforce a sense of entitlement).
He is not always that sick that he can’t function but never believed in functioning. Of course, when he is sick, there is no question about supporting him and providing the best possible treatments for him.
So now that he has been stable, he is back with these revolutionary ideas again. He always comes up with ingenious business ideas, dreams, and ventures that seem realistically so distant from reality and which require sometimes a pretty large financial investment understated “hoping for a family injection”.
He has never had the motivation just to take care of himself. How can we inject large sums of money into something that seems so unrealistic? I feel that if he wants to be an entrepreneur, he needs to build a viable business by sharpening his business and entrepreneurial skills.
I have had numerous arguments with him about this and he tells me that I am unsupportive and negative, that I don’t appreciate him. I totally adore him and do appreciate him very much – maybe too much. However, I am worried about him. He has only me (and my mom) to rely on. We will not be there forever. We may be comfortable but even if he inherits my apartment, how long with the money last? (He does not spend money wisely but neither do I or I would have savings/investments on the side. I am not proud of it but at least, I am able to rely on myself and support him).

He does not think about the future. In one conversation, he stated that he did not see anything wrong with having women support their partner “out of love”. These are his plans. (As an independent woman, I find this utterly revolting).
So, he relies on the hope that mom will invest and justifies it because she has invested my divorced sister’s failed businesses and that they have helped her raise her kids. My parents also helped me financially raise my son (because I was alone) until about 15 years ago, when I became fully independent (but support most of my 27 years old son’s expenses – so I don’t have much left). So to my son, it is justified that the family supports him too and invests in his ventures.
The difference is that my parents HELPED us. My son expects us to literally carry him on our back. So not only do we (mom and I) fully support him but demand that he works towards building financial independence despite his disease (which we know he cannot do when he is flaring), he has been trying to get mom to invest in all kinds of unrealistic ventures. I mean, I am all for it, if he was investing HIMSELF and WORKING towards it passionately. Unfortunately, his plans seem to always rely on someone else’s investment but his own (referring to the family’s money). I am afraid that this is an invitation for failure. He does not know what effort and perseverance mean and has very low tolerance for frustration. Mom has told him many times to prove himself but he does not believe in that, he thinks that we should first invest without commitment on his part (nothing we have every invested in the past has ever shown any result and believe me, we have invested loads!).
Anybody having sound advice? I am trapped between my love, lack of boundaries I have set to him, feeling sorry for him, and the desire to see my son able to manage after I am gone (I am not planning to go but I have already undergone cancer once and the thought that my son lives in lah lah land despite his 27 years of age worry me very much).
I know that there is no quick fix and I should have practiced tough love. I was never able to do that.

By: Mrs. McCoy

Mrs. McCoy — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 22:30:47 +0000

As an addendum – he comes home drunk 2-3 times a week and we have horrible verbal arguments. He calls me names, I call him names – the last time this happened I called the cops on him and they took him to jail, but only because I knew there was a bench warrant out for his arrest for not showing up for a court date. He was in for a couple of months and they wouldn’t let him out unless he had a place to go . . . so guess what? Stupid me let him come back and now it’s the same thing all over. I guess I have to grow a backbone and just evict him. These were supposed to be my golden years and I’ve been miserable for 5 years, not to mention supporting two people. I guess I know what I have to do – wonder if anybody else is in this situation. thank you.

By: Mrs. McCoy

Mrs. McCoy — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 22:26:50 +0000

I’ve looked at most of these and don’t see my problem. My problem is my 42 year old son who has been in and out of trouble since he was 17 – mostly to do with drinking. He lost his license when he was 20 years old and never paid the $1,000 fine to get it back. Since then he has been caught driving without license, no insurance, various minor traffic problems, but the fines keep adding up and now 20 years later he owes $2900. I am now retired and had a budget for myself and 5 years ago he showed up at my door again not having anyplace to go. I let him in, much to the chagrin of my other two sons – who have their own homes and work – and now he won’t leave. This one has never held a real job with a paycheck for more than a couple of months – he earns enough doing handyman jobs to buy his beer and cigarettes. he cuts my grass once a week. He says I have to evict him to get him to leave – that he is a resident in my home and gets his mail here. Turns out he’s right, according to the courts here. I have to file eviction – even though he contributes nothing and pays no rent! I can’t lock him out because this is his legal residence. Can you believe it??? If I lock him out and he comes through a window, the police won’t do anything because this is his residence! I can’t even claim this freeloader on income tax even though I’ve been supporting him for five years. Does anybody else have this kind of problem? Would sure make me feel better. I now have to pay to file eviction and have to give him a reasonable time (couple of weeks) to find somethig else. He has no regular income and nowhere to go, but I no longer care. He can go to a shelter or move south where if he has to be homeless, at least he’ll be warm.

By: Elaine

Elaine — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 18:06:02 +0000

My 24 yr old stepdaughter and her 5 yr old son are currently living with us. My stepdaughter was a great student and kid till about her 10th grade yr of high school. At that point she decided she was tired of being good and meeting others expectations, she she quit. She began hanging out with people who were like minded, smoking pot, having sex and blowing hundreds of dollars a month at Starbucks. We took her to counseling and offered to get her on birth control but she refused. Two weeks after she was offered a full ride theater scholarship to a jr. college, she found out she was pregnant. We told her if she kept the baby it was hers to raise, as we had a child in daycare. She was told she could live at our house and go to school, but had to work enough to pay for childcare and the added expense of a baby. She didn’t want to live by our rules so she moved out. Since then, every year or so we have to bail her out of major financial problems because buying expensive cell phones, cameras, computers and partying are her priorities, rather than being responsible. About 2 years ago she moved to a larger town. She was told that we could not bail her out anymore because we didn’t have the money, but if she needed a roof over her head, we were there. Well, a year into it she called and said she “lost her job” (there’s always a story that doesn’t seem just right) and needed to move home. She decided she wanted to go back to school and needed help with the baby (now 5). So, we made room for them in our small home. She gave us this line of BS that she’d help with expenses etc. Well, she has done nothing but cause my husband and me so much stress and frustration since she moved in. She is in school and she works part time, however, she doesn’t pay her childcare and gets notices all the time about it. She qualifies for state assistance on child care but is too lazy to do the paperwork to get the assistance. The same with insurance on teh baby. She gets insurance through us – however she won’t do what’s required to give her own son insurance. Her cell phone and skyping in the computer are much more important than spending time with her own son. I am so ready for her to be out of my house. She lies to her father and tells him what he wants to hear – but never changes. He can’t seem to find it in himself to give her tough love…………..and that will eventually cause a lot of problems between us because I am so tired of her. She is only concerned with herself – and that’s it. We wish she’d leave and give us the baby – but she’s even too selfish for that. I think my hubby is afraid if we dish out tough love – she will run with the grandbaby and we won’t see him again. I dunno – it’s a really hard place to be in!