My husband and I had just sold a home in one state and were looking to buy a home in another. We *thought* we were financially fit. We had just sold a home and paid off our credit card debt and moved to a new state. I hadn’t worked for a few years because I was home with the kids. But, we thought everything was still fine with my husband’s income. As we tried to buy a moderate house for $75K, we were flat told no to our faces. The agent looked at us and said “you’re driving your house payment” as he motioned toward our new SUV sitting in the parking lot. He looked at me and said “you don’t count” because I hadn’t worked in a few years.

We gulped and gasped for air. We were incredibly embarassed. Then, we got mad. After realizing our venting wasn’t going to make ends meet for our kids, we set about changing our lives. We rented an apartment. I kicked myself into gear, enrolling in the local university to finish my degree and found a good part-time job. We sacrificed for the new few years and got our financial situation straightened out.

Today, we both have great careers (teaching/government), own a really nice modest home and our finances are in great shape. Our oldest child is in college and we’re not borrowing money to finance it. We feel relatively safe in this recession, although I’ve still planned and prepared for that possible “rainy day”.

Nine years ago, we were judged and told what we should do regarding our money. Even though I hated him, that real estate agent was the only person who helped propel us to this financially safer place we are today.

Truth hurts, David. And you’re right, sometimes it’s exactly what we need.

Why not just help educate and inform, if people want help. And do it in a way that it will be heard.

There’s an art to offering help. One of the reasons many do not take it is because it comes with heaps of judgment and shame and scolding. (Who needs that? Most people are beating themselves up already.)

That will help no one.

You assume that anyone who is smart could not possibly be in debt, have financial challenges of have screwed up. How far from the truth that is. Financial mistakes happen at all socio-economic levels and there are plenty of people who make plenty of money who have little savings and huge debts –AND are educated and “smart”. They just have way more resources to get out of debt than the average person. (And don’t think some of these folks don’t take advantage of others to get out of debt…)

Most people fully accept responsibility for their financial errors. THEY do not ask for bailouts for the most part. Because most people are truly ashamed of themselves and are beating themselves up.

You act as if everyone has had a lifetime of access to good role models (at home, in school, socially) and information to learn about how to handle finances. Really, what planet do you live on?

But this is simply NOT the case.

Get off your high horse. You can show compassion without having to help others out of the mess they’ve created.

Compassion goes a long way in helping people to acknowledge their mistakes, learn from them and then fix them.

It’s attitudes like yours that make life so unnecessarily difficult for many.

What’s fascinating in the world of debt and finance blogs is how many judgmental folks there are, particularly those who have messed up their own lives. Once they “fix” them up they get all attitude about others.

Take care of your own house. It’s really not your business to judge others.

If I see a ‘bum’ on the side of the road I don’t ‘judge’ him. I help him if I can.

Your advice is FREE. It costs you nothing. In fact, I would argue that you learn more during the process of teaching others. Why would you hold back in a time of need??!!?!

What happened to giving without thinking of what you get in return? They might be taking advantage of me, they might judge me in the future, or they may have judged me in the past, but, why would I stoop to their level?

What about taking the high road? Put your anger and resentment aside (I resented being labelled all those years for being cheap and miserly) and help people with out any expectations?

Give freely. That’s how I got here, people gave advice to me freely.

However, the nut is how do you talk face to face with those family and acquaintances (I assume you’re not friends) who several years back judged you as being stupid, hokey, cheap-ass sticks in the mud because you didn’t take out the subprime loan, invested with Madoff, used the house as an ATM, or ran in hock with the credit cards?

Do you hold your tongue and assume that they’ve learned their lesson or do you judge? Hate to say it, but if you judged me first, I get to judge you back.

I do appreciate your statement earlier that you consider yourself lucky to have a good financial upbringing.

There are all kinds of “smarts” but I’d be willing to bet that a common underlying factor is observing and learning and one thing we all learn along the way is that that there are consequences to our actions. I’m saddened that so many people are learning some of this the hard way. I believe that most people, offered the opportunity to be educated as to how to avoid in the future the financial quagmire they’re in now, would leap at the opportunity.

I don’t have much sympathy for people who are in trouble now simply because of credit card debt. I do have a lot of sympathy for the everyday, hardworking person who foolishly fell for an adjustable rate mortgage and now can’t refinance at a fixed, lower rate because their current mortgage far exceeds current home values.

I think that people who were bringing home a really nice paycheck, but insisted on a new car every two years and every new electronic gadget or closets stuffed with designer clothes, spending every cent of that paycheck and beyond, deserve to be faced with the consequences of their actions. That may be harsh, but, if they haven’t learned before how to take responsibility, it’s about time they did.

You are going to leave a large trail of ex-friends if you do this. There is an appropriate time to give advice, and if the person does not ask for advice you shouldn’t be giving it. I make this mistake far too often (giving advice when it’s not wanted) and it is a huge strain on my family and friends. Also, did you ever consider the (shocking!) prospect that you could be wrong with your advice? Your decisions might be right for you but might be wrong for someone else.

Also this made me chuckle.

…that not everyone is as smart as you and I.

You’d think she would at least use proper grammar when proclaiming how smart she is. And it rubs me the wrong way that somehow be financially savvy is supposed to be an indication of “smarts.” I disagree strongly.