I just saw an ad for a nudist fish fry in our local weekly paper. My first question was how on earth do you safely deep fry anything while in the nude? Yow! And my second question was, Is it cheaper to be a nudist?
Certainly, nudism has its benefits: no decisions about what to wear, no worry of panty lines, no deodorant stains on your shirts, and in the August heat of South Carolina where I live, the idea of living naked – or nekkid as we say here – sure is tempting. Except that, I would get tired of standing up because I wouldn’t want to sit on any of my furniture in the buff. I just walked around my house to make sure this is true. Let’s see, the light yellow upholstered floral couch in the sun room, nooooooo; the antique wooden dining chairs that belonged to my grandmother, noooooo; the fake suede overstuffed chair in my writing room, nooooo. It seems to me that it would be more expensive to have my upholstery steam cleaned weekly – at a minimum – than I would save on laundry if I were a nudist.
And then, there are the medical bills; remember the fish fry? I shiver every time I think about it.
So I went to the nudist website noted in the ad to check it out. I have listed here a few of the annual activities – I did not make these up, I cut and pasted them – on their calendar of events and my thoughts on the possible financial impact of each one.
Potluck Lunch and Relaxation in the Sun – Remember to use copious amounts of sun block or there could be some medical expenses. Before attending such an event, be sure to see if your health insurance covers transportation costs to the nearest burn unit; I know from experience that sunburned nipples really, really hurt.
Halloween Party & Costume Contest – You could easily go to this party dressed – or more accurately, undressed – as a porn star for an absolutely free costume idea, though I would imagine that’s been done to death.
Thanksgiving Feast – Everyone watch your cranberries with that turkey-carving knife flying around – again, possible medical bills.
But remember, even though it’s Thanksgiving, no dressing allowed (sorry).
Lobster Bash – Of course, lobster is pricey but I think the hot butter is what to look out for here – again, possible medical bills.
Winter Holiday Party – Word of caution guys, watch out for shrinkage. This could cost you emotionally but probably not financially.
East Coast Nude Chili Cookoff – On the upside, you wouldn’t have to worry about pesky chili stains on your shirt so you’d save on laundry. However, I don’t know about you, but knowing the effect chili has on most people’s digestive track, I believe I would prefer that there is some sort of clothing filter – however ineffective it may be – between me all those chili eaters’ bodies. So, I would advise skipping this shindig regardless of the financial implications.
Mardi Gras Celebration – I guess this is where women get beads for putting a shirt on? I believe this event would be financially neutral unless someone made an unfortunate Fat Tuesday remark in your direction and you had to come up with bail money.
Pioneer Days Supper – Circle the wagons, boys, these here folk is a-naked. I’m not sure what Pa Ingles would’ve done if he had discovered Half-Pint at one of these gatherings but I guess financially, speaking, she wouldn’t have been any worse off.
Mexican Theme Potluck Supper – Okay, this is too easy, insert your own lewd taco reference here. Mexican food is generally inexpensive so attendance is probably a wise move, financially speaking. Guys, just be sure to back waaaaay away from the blindfolded person swinging wildly at the piĆ±ata to avoid you guessed it, possible medical bills and a blunt force trauma style vasectomy.
Canoe Trip – Not exactly Lewis and Clark but still bound to be a journey of discovery. As a canoe enthusiast myself, I know that poison ivy is often a risk along riverbanks. Yikes! Again, sun block and medical bills.
National Nude Recreation Weekend at Whispering Pines – Those aren’t the pines whispering; those are the elders from the neighboring Baptist retreat conferring after seeing for themselves – solely for the benefit of their respective congregations – that this cavorting in the flesh is, in fact, a sin.
Financially speaking, pine sap is extremely difficult to remove from skin and can seal fleshy parts together like superglue which could result in, you guessed it, more medical bills with a possible arborist consult fee.
So, it seems that the expense of more sun block, a gym membership (the pressure would be on to look your best), nudist club membership (where else can you be nude except at the club unless you live in Europe), medical bills for doing things naked that are ill-advised like deep frying anything, upholstery cleaning, would add up to more than you would save on fewer clothes, less laundry, no need for a bathing suit, no waxing, eating less because of the sight of some unappetizing things and your immediate view of your growing stomach as you eat.
Speaking of Europe, I discovered during a trip to Germany – whose citizens will get naked at the drop of a hat – that the people who most want to be naked are the people you least want to see naked. And finally, one last thought on the subject, I went out with a nudist once who my sister and I called, unbeknownst to him, Free Willy. But that’s a story for another day.
Image courtesy of RSEanes